Friday, June 28, 2013

Friday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2013

The Senate just passed immigration reform. Meanwhile, the House of Representatives is doing it's best to make sure no one wants to move here.

Insiders report that Google is working on a gaming console. The flagship game is planned to be a puzzle game called "Give Us Your Credit Card Number."

Streaming music service Spotify just hired 130 engineers, which means that musicians can make money off the service, so long as they can program in Drupal.

NASA just launched a new satellite to observe the sun. It's mission includes testing new technology from Ray-Ban.

Also, it's a continuation of a project from Mississippi called "Go Outside and Stare at the Sun."

The Drug Enforcement Agency is cracking down on designer drugs, which is great news for people who buy their drugs at outlet stores.

The Cleveland Cavaliers used their Number One draft pick to get Anthony Bennet of UNLV. And since he's going to the Cavs, this will be the last time he gets to experience being number one.

And finally, new federal nutrition guidelines are going into effect to get junk food out of public schools across the country. But you can still teach Intelligent Design.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 27, 2013

Paula Deen went on the Today show yesterday to apologize for, you know. She appeared to break down and cry, but it turns out it was just her body expelling excess butter from her eyes.

In a related story, Ms. Deen will soon announce a new partnership with Chick-Fil-A to sell her signature Buttered Bigot Burger.

Edward Snowden has disappeared from the Moscow airport, and no one can find him. He was last seen wearing blue jean, a red and white striped shirt and a stupid hat.

In Egypt, President Morsi delivered a speech, cautioning that civil unrest may "paralyze" the country. He went on to add "it's a real nice democracy you got there. Sure would be a shame if something... HAPPENED... to it."

Scientists discovered that the first horses lived around 4 million years ago, right about the time of the first TrapperKeeper.

In other animal news, scientists will begin retiring chimpanzees from medical testing. Great, so now there's even more competition on the job market.

Microsoft confirmed that the KINECT will not work with the XBOX One. You'll just have to wait to find out if it will work with the XBOX One.

And finally, the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act yesterday in a 5-4 split, proving that at least four people in America have never had a gay friend.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 26, 2013

President Obama announced plans to combat climate change yesterday. First, he's going to go through all of climate change's private emails, and then blow up climate change with a drone strike.

The Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act yesterday, saying it was Congress' responsibility to fix the broken legislation. No word yet on who is responsible for fixing the broken Congress.

Speaking of broken, Texas state Republicans succeeded in breaking the Democratic filibuster against the anti-abortion SB5 yesterday. Or maybe they didn't. It's unclear if it happened before midnight or not. And seeing as how many GOP Senators think the earth is only 6,000 years old, their grasp of time may not be up to the challenge here.

NASA started a public challenge for amateur astronomers to locate and track "earth-killing" asteroids, because NASA is tired of being the only ones with asteroid nightmares.

Singer and amateur stuntman Chris Brown was charged in LA with a hit-and-run, which is a change from his normal pattern of hit-and-date-and-continue-to-abuse-for-years.

Vladimir Putin confirmed that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is in the "transit" area of the Moscow airport, and not technically on Russian soil anymore. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal, except people are actually interested in watching Snowden.

The UK is contemplating making visitors from India pay a £3,000 security bond to make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Indian officials asked "why the hell didn't we think of that in 1858?"

And finally, UK lawmakers are considering adding Jane Austen's face to paper money, but are afraid that would upset financial markets because she's just too precious.

Go Blackhawks.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 25, 2013

Jim Carrey said yesterday that he can no longer support his own film, Kick-Ass 2, due to it's objectionable content. Yet he still stands behind Batman Forever.

Coy Mathis, a 6 year-old transgender girl in Colorado, just won a seven-month legal battle to gain the right to use the girls' restroom at her school. And just in time, because seven months is a loooooong time to hold it.

George Lucas just got married. Thankfully, he did not write the vows.

NBA legend Scottie Pippen was questioned by police about his involvement in an altercation that sent a man to the hospital. Probably because Scottie hit the dude with all his NBA Championship Rings! What you got, LeBron? Two? That's not gonna send anyone to an urgent care clinic.

Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to prison and banned from office for having sex with an underage girl. He nearly got away with it, though, but he made the fatal mistake of being a complete scum ball.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden pulled a feint and did not show up for his flight from Moscow to Havana. He is becoming the hardest guy to plan a surprise party for.

Tennis star and culture-critic Serena Williams apologized again for making an insensitive comment about the Steubenville rape victim. Serena said "I can't believe I put myself in this position."

And finally, according to the CDC, the newest strain of the bird flu "kills more than a third" of its victims. So it's a bad day to be a bird! Or a person. Seriously.


Monday, June 24, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - June 24, 2013

Justin Bieber tweeted on June 19 that he will release a new movie and new music this year. Twitter is investigating him for making threatening tweets.

Instagram just added videos to their service. Users uploaded five million videos in the first 24 hours, making it the fastest surge of penises onto the Internet in recorded history.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden left Hong Kong this weekend and flew to Moscow, thanks to the aid of Wikileaks. His itinerary was supposed to be a secret, but you know how these people are.

Scientists from the UK claim to have proof that "plants do maths," which is stupid because the word is "math," singular.

Firefighters in Colorado are scrambling to save Del Norte from wildfires. Someone should set some wildfires  outside Detroit.

Brazilians are taking to the streets to protest crumbling social services and public transportation. And now they can protest the traffic, too.

An early Apple I computer is going up for auction, and expected to bring in $500,000. But it still won't run any cool games.

And finally, Paula Deen is expected to lose her job with QVC, after it came out that she may have made racist jokes in the past. Also, no one is interested in buying her "Slaves' Secret" moisturizing blackface masques.


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 11, 2013

Sources close to the White House say the administration is reassessing its policy against arming Syrian rebels, because it will be totally different than Afghanistan.

Former Secretary of State, Senator, and First Lady Hillary Clinton joined Twitter this week, so for God's sake don't spoil Game of Thrones for her. She will destroy you.

Singing astronaut Chris Hadfield, who rose to fame for his rendition of "Space Oddity" performed about the International Space Station, announced he will be retiring. Good news, he/s going on a farewell tour. Bad news, it's in outer space. And scalpers already bought up all the tickets.

A new study indicates that yoga helps with memory, specifically being able to remember to talk incessantly about how much you enjoy yoga.

Speaking of yoga, Lululemon's Chief Executive Officer, Christine Day, is stepping down due to the whole "see-through yoga pants" thing. And while stepping down, you could totally see her underpants.

Tim Tebow will be signing with the New England Patriots, allowing fans to hate more efficiently.

A new study found that one-fifth of designated drivers have actually been drinking, and the other four just resent you.

And finally, the new Mac Air will have an "all-day battery," so you can look like a douchebag at Starbucks all day long.


Monday, June 10, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - June 10, 2013

The Guardian newspaper revealed former CIA person Edward Snowden leaked the documents about PRISM. He's single, 29, enjoys Italian food and whistle blowing, and he's single, ladies! Wait, is he actually single? If only there were some way we could get a bunch more information about him...

In other PRISM news, the British intelligence service GCHQ used data collected by the NSA in maintaining national security in the UK. So now we're even for The Office coming to America.

AT&T announced this weekend that they will be raising the eligibility requirement for phone upgrades to a 24-month term. However, you're still immediately eligible for NSA surveillance.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker announced he will be running for the Senate, because after Newark not even the Senate seems dysfunctional.

In charity news, a lunch for eight people with financier Warren Buffett just sold on eBay for $1million. Still no takers on his offer to be hunted like a wild animal for $10million.

In entertainment news, horror/thriller The Purge topped the box office, surprising many industry insiders due to its risky inclusion of Ethan Hawke.

In other entertainment news, actor Russell Crowe said recently that he felt "stuck" in his costume for the upcoming Man of Steel film, and that the biggest challenge was not being able to use the bathroom for eight hours at a time. Apparently Lord Crowe is too fancy to soil himself like the rest of us.

And in Iranian politics, the upcoming presidential election has many wondering who will take over for outgoing President Ahmadinejad. Coming in last in the polls, to no surprise, the Zionist party. Meanwhile, Fox News anchors have finally managed to learn how to pronounce Ahmadinejad.

And finally, in response to anti-government rallies, Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan said this weekend that "there is an end to patience," before adding "wait, are you guys going to put that on my tombstone?"

That's it! Tomorrow will be better.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Friday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2013

Don't look now! Vladimir Putin just announced he's getting a divorce. So, watch out, ladies! No, seriously, watch out for Vladimir Putin.

In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.

Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.

Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.

Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.

AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.

Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.

A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.

At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.

And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2013

In California a Taco Bell employee posted a photo to Facebook that showed him apparently licking a stack of taco shells in the restaurant's kitchen. Absolutely disgusting. Does he have any idea what kind of bacteria live on those things?

In an unrelated story, scientists are suggesting that for humanity to survive in the future, we're going to have to start eating insects for our protein. So, Taco Bell is ready.

At Sotheby's auction house, a rare book of Psalms printed in 1640 is expected to bring over $15 million at auction. "Great news," said a guy who is unfamiliar with what Psalms actually say.

Yahoo! announced their search results page is getting a visual makeover. And it now redirects to

Responding to a dare, a team of Honda engineers have created a lawn mower that can cut grass at speeds of up to 130 miles per hour. It wasn't intended to go that fast, but since it's a Honda, the accelerator kept getting stuck. It's part of Honda's new "Machines of Death" line.

Brazil's Department of Health has discontinued an online ad campaign called "I'm a Happy Prostitute," meant to shed light on health issues related to prostitution, which is legal in Brazil. It has been replaced with "I'm A Miserable Office Worker."

In Arizona, people are up in arms over a 9 foot gargoyle sculpture that prominently features a very visible phallus. Even worse: the gargoyle came from Mexico and stole a job from a hardworking American gargoyle.

Sheriff Arpaio has already arrested the statue and violated its civil rights.

A recent study found that a majority of patients do not access an online video meant to help them prepare for a colonoscopy. Most likely, because it is a video about colonoscopies.

First Lady Michelle Obama shut down a heckler at a speaking engagement this week. When heckled, she responded "hey, I don't come down to where you work and hassle you, buddy. Probably because you don't have a job, since the economy is so weak." It's funnier when she says it.

In Florida, an 84-year old woman won a $370 million Powerball jackpot. "Great," the woman said, "now I can finally afford to retire someplace better than Florida!"

And finally, in Minneapolis, a high school cheerleader was arrested for pimping out a younger student. Administrators at the school became suspicious when they saw what the young woman was doing with the school's spirit stick.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 4, 2013

Archaeologists revealed evidence recently that French winemaking actually comes from Italy. Still no word on where they got the arrogance.

A new study out of California indicates that a vegetarian diet can prolong lives. Although most of those lives are cows, pigs, and chickens.

Internet gaming company Zynga just laid off a third of their workforce. Which explains their latest batch of games: JOB HUNTER, Let's Collect: Unemployment, and the new tower-defense hit Mom's Basement. Also, the recently unemployed programmers are now hard at work on an actual farm. So they can eat.

Will and Jaden Smith's sci-fi adventure After Earth is struggling at the box office, which may explain why Will Smith posted a casting call looking for a new son. Ouch.

In Mississippi, indictments were unsealed in the case of the recent ricin attacks against the President. However, court was adjourned early when the judge discovered the indictments themselves contained ricin.

Blind advocates are up in arms over the CAPTCHA technology used to verify human presence on the Internet. Also angry: people who like to leave drunk comments on websites.

President Obama called for tougher sanctions against Iran, specifically their auto industry, leading many to speculate that Iran may have a secret automotive industry.

And finally, Michael Douglass said that oral sex can cause throat cancer. It's all part of his plan to make every man in the world hate him.

That's all.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - June 3, 2013

Yahoo! Mail Classic is shutting down today, so you might want to let your parents know.

Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.

Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.

The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.

In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.

Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.

Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.

President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."

And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!