Thursday, May 30, 2013

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 30, 2013

A team of scientists just built a machine that can identify a piece of Western music after hearing just three notes. Next, the team will build a machine that can identify a use for the previous machine.

A recent survey of human resources departments revealed that 1 out of 10 people between the ages of 16 to 34 have been denied jobs because of inappropriate comments made on social networking sites. The other 9 were denied jobs because the economy is so shitty.

Motorola announced a new factory in Texas, where they will make the first American smartphones. They also announced plans for a great big time machine to send the phones back to 2004, when people still wanted Motorola phones.

Derek Jeter was back on the field today, playing catch after having his immobilizing boot removed from his foot. Apparently Jeter was parked illegally in a handicapped space over night.

Physicists working for the National Institute of Standards and Technology have created the world's most accurate clock. Or is it? No, it is. It can tell you, to the millisecond, when the next episode of Dr. Who will air.

Following a concerted effort from feminist groups, Facebook agreed to take down pages promoting violence and hate speech. And replaced 'em with pages about nagging, amirite?

But seriously, Facebook specifically targeted pages glorifying domestic violence and removed them from the network. In a related story, Chris Brown and Roman Polanski are all over Myspace now.

A penguin briefly escaped its enclosure at SeaWorld recently. It took quite a while to find the little fellow, as he blended in perfectly with the guests for the annual black tie benefit gala.

The Global Commission on Drug Policy warned that the "war on drugs," and intravenous drugs in particular, is actually fueling a worldwide pandemic of hepatitis C. And Tommy Lee isn't helping.

That's all!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 29, 2013

Netflix announced that it will begin airing episodes of the hit series The Killing the day after they originally air. And they will be narrated by Ron Howard.

Daimler Motors recalled over 6,000 new A-Class Mercedes Hatchbacks after executives learned what a hatchback was.

The world's oldest complete Torah was found at an Italian university, alongside the world's oldest savings bonds and BestBuy gift cards.

That's a Bar Mitzvah joke.

Electronic music pioneers Daft Punk set a new record for plays of their latest album on Spotify. When they learned of their new album's popularity on the streaming site, members of the band started dreaming of what they will do with the zero dollars they just earned.

Internet technologists believe that using "noise-cancelling" software will increase the speed of the Internet, although it is worth pointing out that most of what's on the Internet falls under the category of "noise."

Wal-Mart agreed to pay an $86million fine for illegally disposing of hazardous fertilizer, pesticides, and other chemicals. In other news, Wal-Mart has a new store-brand antiperspirant coming out this week.

Doctors studying patient mortality found that people undergoing planned operations at the end of the week are more likely to die as a result of the procedure than people who get under the knife early in the week. Suddenly Urkel is no longer the worst thing about Friday.

And finally, Chinese hackers broke into the Pentagon's sensitive systems this week, gaining access to plans for dozens of advanced weapons systems. Analysts believe this theft will save the Chinese decades in developing pointless, expensive, and ill-advised military boondoggles. Damn it!

And that's the end.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 28, 2013

GE plans to invest billions of dollars in the controversial and possibly environmentally dangerous technology called "Fracking." But that's nothing compared to what they invested in Jay Leno.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) sneaked into Syria yesterday to meet with rebel leaders and also demonstrate how they need to increase their border security.

New York City just launched the world's largest bike sharing program, just in time for summer. Coincidentally, it's also the world's largest ass-sweat sharing program.

In Toronto, Mayor Ford is facing more trouble from his alleged crack-smoking video. Two of his top aides left this week, which outraged the mayor until he was informed that neither of the aides were the ones responsible for purchasing his crack.

He also went so far as to apologize for calling the press "maggots," saying that crack makes you do crazy things.

The Royal Bank of Scotland is cutting 1,400 jobs. Cheap bastards.

Doctors studying the long-term impact of fetal crack use have found no indication that so-called "crack babies" experience lasting damage from the drug. The data indicates that they are able to succeed and achieve in life just like anyone else, even going so far as to become mayor of large north American cities.

In Japan, the mayor apologized for a previous comment in which he suggested that American military personnel should alleviate stress, and reduce sexual assault, by indulging in Japan's booming adult entertainment industry. When walking back his comments, he added "I must have been smoking crack."

And finally, Sir Paul McCartney visited Graceland for the first time this week, and left a guitar pick behind. He was repaying a visit The King made to Apple Records in 1970. During that trip, Elvis left behind a doughnut casserole.

So endeth the blog post.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - May 27, 2013

Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.

Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.

Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.

Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.

This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.

President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.

Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.

Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.

A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.

Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.

And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."

That's it!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 15, 2013

President Obama apologized for the apparent bias and discrimination the IRS showed in investigating certain Tea Party groups applying for tax-exempt status, especially since bias and discrimination were the groups' reason for existing.

A construction company in Belize destroyed an ancient Mayan temple for gravel this week. In a related story, a gold-mining firm is planning to demolish the Vatican.

A Hong Kong court just handed down a $70 million judgment against casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. A visibly distraught Adelson wondered aloud after the verdict "will I still have enough money to subvert the democratic process in America?" Only time will tell.

Fort Hood's officer in charge of investigating sexual assault has been relieved of duty, pending an investigation into a sexual assault he was accused of. So, this could take a while. In the meantime, he's been transferred to the irony unit.

Eric Holder defended the Department of Justice's decision to seize phone records from the Associated Press. According to Holder, the FBI was investigating a leak, which is what they'll say when they do it again to find out who leaked this story.

BlackBerry announced plans to target emerging markets in Indonesia and Brazil, in the hopes that no one there has ever heard of a smartphone before.

Google is preparing a new program to compete with the music service Spotify. It's just like Spotify, except when you request a song, it just plays the title over and over.

And finally, the Department of Justice accused Apple of colluding with book publishers to raise the price of ebooks. A spokesman denied the accusation, saying "come on, Apple has never cooperated with anyone on anything."


Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Wednesday Morning Blog - May 8, 2013

Greek workers recently staged a 24-hour anti-austerity protest. If they could just get sponsors for these things, the who economic crisis would be wrapped up in no time.

In the Gowanus neighborhood of Brooklyn, many residents are resisting plans from the EPA to clean up the toxic Gowanus Canal. They're still convinced they can just gentrify the pollution right out of the canal.

Also, it's vintage sludge. Very hard to come by. Because it's been outlawed.

Buzzfeed is taking steps to build up an international reporting presence, which must mean that Lindsay Lohan got her passport back.

This week, the makers of the world's first homemade, fully-plastic gun conducted a test-fire of the weapon, produced by 3D printing. Industry analysts don't expect this to impact the level of guns available in America, however, as none of know how to hook up a printer.

In New York, an escaped convict shut down multiple train lines during rush hour this week, or at least that's the excuse they picked this time.

Elsewhere in New York, a state senator was accused of illegally using funds from foreclosed property sales to fund his failed campaign for Attorney General. The whole plan probably would have gone better if he hadn't kept promising to "get himself off the streets" if elected.

Thanks to a recent ruling by California's highest court, cities can now ban pot dispensaries. Well, maybe it wasn't the "highest" court after all.

And finally, cicadas are all over the east coast. The annoying bugs are mating, eating everything, and making a terrible, annoying noise. It's pretty much like Coachella.

That's it!