Monday Morning Monologue - April 1, 2013

Hey, happy Monday! And happy April Fool's Day. Here's some jokes to get you through it.

Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.

A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.

The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.

The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.

Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.

That joke sucked.

Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."

Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.

And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.

That's it!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013

Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.

Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.

On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.

In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.

Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."

A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.

I don't know what that means.

A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.

Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"

And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.

And that's it! Later, cats.

Monday Morning Monologue - March 25, 2013

Hey! It's back! Coming to you live from our brand new studio in the Windy City, it's the new and not-at-all-improved Late Night Morning! Here's some jokes.

IBM researchers have found ways to make circuits that mimic the way human brains work. Meaning that the circuits work for fifteen minutes, then spend an hour looking at pictures of their exes on Facebook.

Carlos Slim, the Mexican telecommunications mogul and world’s richest man, just secured the Mexican broadcasting rights for the Olympics in 2014 and 2016. It’s part of his plan to no longer be the world’s richest man.

On the Internet, a kickstarter fundraising drive raised $2 million in one day to fund a film version of the Kristen Bell series Veronica Mars. Now if we could just convince Kristen to star in a show about curing cancer...

Speaking of doing more, the Pope said this week that we need to be doing more to help out the world’s poor. He then excused himself to the Little Pope’s Room, where he took a dump on a solid gold toilet and wiped his ass with platinum paper.

Scientists are on the verge of developing a hypo-allergenic apple. “It’s about time!” said no one ever.

At least 100 people were injured in a multi-car pileup in Edmonton, Alberta. It was a terrible accident that will be forever known as “the time the entire population of Alberta got in a car accident.”

South Korea said this week that it suspects North Korea is behind a series of cyber attacks. They came to this conclusion after they determined the attacks were launched with an Atari 2600 powered by a hamster wheel.

And finally, Poland is launching an ad campaign to preserve the Polish language. But since the ads were in Polish, no one understood them.

And that's it! Totally worth the wait, right?