Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 25, 2012

Bad news for Egypt, as the unemployment rate is skyrocketing. But don't worry, Romney has a secret plan.

Nintendo slashed its profit forecast for the year, as there have been way fewer coin-filled bricks than expected.

Game company Zynga made massive staff cuts recently, and that's why now hundreds of programmers have taken to the streets with signs saying "will annoy the crap out of you online for food."

Bobby Brown was arrested for DUI recently because he was driving. Said Brown, "my one mistake was forgetting that I'm Bobby Brown."

Warren Buffett says the U.S. economy is improving. Jimmy Buffett says that things are dire in Margaritaville, but that, of course, it's his own damn fault.

A medical study found that people are more likely to do CPR in affluent neighborhoods than poor neighborhoods, mainly because poor people taste bad.

And lastly, NFL referees will be officiating with pink penalty flags for breast cancer awareness. Although referees being aware of anything would be an improvement.


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 24, 2012

Let's get serious. Right after this.

In Missouri, concern is growing that Rep. Todd Akin will succeed in taking Sen. Claire McCaskill's senate seat. But the thing you need to realize is that in "legitimate elections" the body politic has a means of shutting that whole thing down. Fingers crossed.

Google Wallet is coming to MetroPCS, so now you won't need to sign a contract to have your identity stolen.

In gyms around the country, drumming is becoming the hot new full-body workout. It's especially popular with people who are extremely annoying.

Speaking of annoying, NBC is somehow leading in television ratings this season. But don't worry, Whitney will premier soon enough.

In the UK, a dentist was told to remove old magazines from the waiting room because they posed an infection risk. Also, patients were asked to stop blowing their noses in the magazines.

Photos of Fidel Castro surfaced, purporting to show that the ageless dictator is still alive. It should be noted, though that in the pictures he was wearing super-dark sunglasses and seen hanging out with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

In all seriousness, Fidel Castro still alive, and has promised the people of Cuba that even if he does pass away, they will still continue to be repressed.

And finally, police in Kuwait were accused of excessive force for firing teargas at protesters. It could have been worse, though. Their first plan was to send out Joe Biden.

Serious it up, yo!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 23, 2012


Actress Kelly Preston just turned 50 years old and said said of the milestone "I feel like I'm 25!" She then went on to say that she was a very tired, used-up 25.

Server problems took offline for hours yesterday, forcing thousands of users to express their endless hate in person.

Gynecologists now say that women can wait longer between Pap tests. Also, they're getting tired of looking at so many vaginas.

The Syrian government said yesterday that sanctions are hurting children in Syria. Also hurting children in Syria: the Syrian government.

Biologists reported that a male beluga whale was heard mimicked human speech in pitch and cadence. You know, like Mitt Romney does.

Also, the marine biologists who overheard the whale suspect it may have been mocking them. Because even a beluga whale could tell they sucked.

Kathie Lee Gifford recently dropped a puppy on the air when she realized the puppy was not full of wine.

Google reported that "Paul Ryan Shirtless" is more commonly searched than "Paul Ryan budget plan" because everyone knows that budget plans have terrible muscle definition.

And finally, an Atlanta paper company was charged with scheming to avoid taxes through bribes and falsifying records. Unfortunately for them, they were caught because they left a paper trail.

No more!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - October 22, 2012

Tonight is the third and final Presidential debate. What should you be on the lookout for?

* Flashmob of streakers, led by Vice President Joe Biden.
* Either candidate can win an extra fifty dollars if they manage to say the secret word.
* Bob Schieffer's surprisingly vice-like handshake with each candidate before hand, couple with the admonition that he's "not taking any Lehrer shit."
* Gov. Romney promised to hold off on any lies until after the President falls asleep.
* Neither candidate will be allowed to "Pass" a question, although they will be granted one "phone a friend."
* Neither candidate wants to be the first to suggest that they not talk about gun laws.
* All answers given in the final "Lightning Round" will be legally binding.

And that's it!

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 18, 2012

BIG NEWS! Lance Armstrong is stepping down from his cancer charity, due to his alleged doping. It's a real missed opportunity, though, for Armstrong to spread the word about how effective steroids are against cancer.

Lance Armstrong is set to lose around $30 million dollars in sponsors, because of his doping history. However, he will still be sponsored by raisins, because of his doping history.

Because steroids shrank his nut.

In Florida, a man was charged with smuggling dinosaur bones into the country. In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have packed them in cocaine.

The FBI arrested a man for plotting to blow up the Federal Reserve yesterday. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with how slowly the Fed was destroying itself.

New York Yankees short stop Derek Jeter is set to recover from ankle surgery for five months. He won't be able to play, but he will still be able to spread herpes.

In Japan, there's a new trend called "cuddle bars." People pay money to nap with others, but be careful if anyone offers you a "tip."

It's a penis tip.

Vice President Biden was campaigning in Colorado yesterday, urging voters to vote now because, in his words, "you never know what crazy shit I might say before election day."

And finally, Forbes Magazine ranked Ashton Kutcher as the highest paid television actor in their recent "What's Wrong With America" issue.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 17, 2012

Anybody see anything interesting on television last night?

In Cuba, the government is relaxing its travel policy, and will no longer require citizens to obtain an exit visa before leaving. They will be asked, however, to please not defect. No, seriously you guys. No defecting, okay?

Car battery company A123 is entering bankruptcy proceedings. Because they need a little jump start. Oh, that's terrible.

Beyonce will be providing halftime entertainment at this year's Super Bowl, and she said yesterday that she's ready for the big night. So, Beyonce, unlike the Cowboys' defensive line, is ready to play in the Super Bowl.

I made a sports joke!!!!!

Speaking of jokes, Rep. Paul Ryan recently paid a visit to an Ohio soup kitchen after everyone had been fed, left, and the serving hall had been completely cleaned, but still took photos of himself cleaning dishes that were already washed. Shows up late, does unnecessary work, then crows about it? Paul Ryan, are you sure you're not in a union?

In China, Foxconn said they found underage interns working in their factory. The interns have since been fired, and now workers have to get their own coffee.

Just kidding. They don't get any coffee.

In England, letters from Prince Charles to members of government will be kept secret, it was announced.
Probably for the better, as they're likely just more rambling from him about how he'd like to be a tampon.

Hulk Hogan is suing his his friend and a gossip website over the leaking of his sex tape on the Internet. Also suing: anyone who watched the tape.

And finally, Mattel profits soared this quarter on the strength of worthless pieces of plastic. Just like Citibank.

And that's it!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 16, 2012

Enjoy or don't. It's still gonna be here.

The former captain of the Costa Concordia showed up yesterday for his trial in an Italian court. It was a good day for him, though, because on his way to the court he only killed 12 people.

The Rolling Stones are going on tour for their 50th anniversary, because apparently even their IRAs have gone to hell.

ACLU accused Morgan Stanley of engaging in predatory lending practices. In a related story, they've also accused water of getting people wet.

Felix Baumgarter's free fall from outer space broke viewer records on YouTube, but probably because he sneakily titled the feed "Fat Guy Gets Pwned by Kittens."

North Koreans in China say that life has not improved for average people in North Korea, leading to speculation that Mitt Romney may try for a presidential run.

This year's Nobel Prizes have finally been awarded, so now you can finally find out who won your office Nobel Pool.

Doctors found recently that people who enjoy life tend to live longer than people who don't. So, good news to people who hate their lives. It'll be over soon.

And finally, White House party crasher Michaele Salahi just got engaged to be married. She will not be sending out invitations.

And that's all!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - October 15, 2012

Happy day, everyone! Let's have some frivolity!

American health insurance provider UnitedHealth is expanding into Brazil. A spokesman said the company is thrilled to have the opportunity to deny claims in a whole new country.

In New Jersey, a patron at McDonald's complained about the restaurant constantly playing Fox News. The man was upset at the restaurant for poisoning his mind, when clearly he only wanted to poison his body.

Physicists Serge Haroche and David Wineland won the Nobel Prize last week for their work with quantum particles, even though they've been completely unable to get Sam Beckett back home.

Don't worry, Sam. Ziggy's working on it.

In other news, skydiver Felix Baumgartner dove from the very upper limits of the atmosphere yesterday, falling fast enough to break the sound barrier. And if he didn't take that opportunity to break wind at the same time, then he's a fool.

In sports news, Yankee's manager Joe Girardi was ejected from a game yesterday for arguing with an umpire over a blown call. The manager later said it's time for baseball to start using instant replay technology, because clearly baseball is just getting far too fast paced and needs to slow things down.

In college football news, Alabama and Florida are at the top of the latest BCS standings. Incidentally, that sentence also works if you replace "BCS standings" with "obesity and diabetes."

Speaking of health, Nestle announced they will cut salt and sugar content in all their children's cereals. They will, of course, be replacing it with trace amounts of crystal methamphetamine.

And finally, sources close to Kim Kardashian report that she's already planning her wedding to Kanye West. She's already got the divorce planned.

Did I do that joke already? Oh, who cares.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 10, 2012

Three... two... one... two... three. GO!

Following some recent campaign problems, Rep. Paul Ryan's people banned recording devices from all fundraising events. Because he's not saying anything crazy.

In a related story, recording devices have been banned from all public appearances by Vice President Joe Biden.

In another related story, someone just leaked a Paul Ryan sex tape, wherein he claims that 30% of the American people want sex without having to work for it.

Pringles is debuting new Pumpkin Pie Spice and White Chocolate Mint flavors as part of their "Stop Eating Pringles" campaign.

Romeo Beckham, son of David Beckham, was seen sporting a fake tattoo just like his dad's. When he grows up, he plans to get a fake wife, just like his dad's.

A judge in Pennsylvania sentenced Jerry Sandusky to 30 - 60 years in prison. The judge did say, however, that Sandusky could get out early, however, for good behavior. And by "good behavior," he meant "be dead."

Here's hoping, Jerry.

Government officials in North Korea claim they now have missiles that can reach the U.S., but only if they first defect at a friendly embassy and then formally apply for political asylum.

A 16 year-old cheerleader in America set a new backflip record this week. Mitt Romney has promised to smash it.

And finally, in California, oil producers hope that a new "winter blend" will help reduce prices gas prices. Really, though, they've just added pumpkin flavor.

Okay, that's it. See you tomorrow!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 9, 2012

Just kidding! Or, I will be in about one more sentence. Yeah, that sounds right.

Child-molesting jerk Jerry Sandusky said from prison yesterday "in my heart, I know I did not do these alleged, disgusting acts." That's true. He did them mainly in a shower.

Enjoy prison, you piece of crap.

In other piece of crap news, a 26 year-old man was arrested for defacing a Rothko painting in London this week. He was captured when he turned up asking for his name to be added to the label.

Museum joke!

Kid Rock said that he will support Rep. Paul Ryan, even if it costs him his fans. He also said the same thing about releasing his last album.

British rugby player Paul Wood was joking yesterday about losing a testicle in a recent match. He put up missing posters, but so far hasn't heard dick about it.

Good news! The American crocodile is coming back. In a related story, something just ate your dog.

Doctors are studying whether or not a daily dose of fatty acids may be able to lower returning veterans' suicide risk. It's either that, or provide them with adequate physical and psychological rehabilitation and some sort of jobs program.

Writer Kelly Marcel was just picked to write the Fifty Shades of Grey screenplay. She said she's looking forward to getting paid for writing something absolutely awful.

And finally, Sprint is testing a new program wherein you can use your name as your phone number. The option is an extra $3 per month, and is not expected to be popular with people whose names are strings of ten seemingly unrelated numbers.

Okay, now I'm serious.


Sunday, October 7, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - October 8, 2012

Happy times, my friends. Did you hear that Hugo Chavez was "re-elected" as "President" of Venezuela? Let's look back on the last 13 years of his rule.

1999 - Upon election, decrees that all opposition parties will be outlawed unless they agree to party "like it's 1999."

2000 - Accidentally says something completely insane in an interview, decides he likes the way it feels.

2001 - Develops a deep and abiding animosity toward George W. Bush over a particularly heated game of Monopoly.

2003 - Citing artistic differences, leaves his role as a judge on Venezuelan Idol.

2005 - Admits he doesn't entirely understand socialism.

2006 - Beginning his third term, President Chavez takes the oath of office while making air quotes.

2009 - On George W. Bush's last day in office, succeeds in leaving a flaming bag of dog poop at the South Portico of the White House.

2012 - Refuses to enact strict voter ID laws to suppress opposition voting because, in his words, "what am I, an asshole?"

And that's the end! What will the next 13 years bring? Here's hoping they bring nothing.

Chavez sucks.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2012

Fire the jokes!

Detroit Tigers' Third Baseman Miguel Cabrera succeeding in winning Baseball's first "triple crown" since 1967. The Tigers announced they will put him out to stud.

A huge marijuana field was found yesterday in south Chicago. It came to the attention of authorities when the owners applied for government farm subsidies.

Thanks a lot, Obama!

Speaking of Obama, he and Mitt Romney debated last night. Jim Lehrer is rumored to have attended.

At the debate, Romney said that he loved Big Bird, but would cut funding to PBS if elected. To clarify, he does *not* love oil, coal, or hedge funds.

The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history, barely surpassing the famed Kitten/Puppy convention of 2009.

In a related story, undecided voters are unlikely to come to a decision on the election after watching last night's debate, mainly because it was not conducted with sock puppets.

Undecided voters in October are kinda dumb.

In Germany, a liquor company is selling bottles of booze that have been poured over the breasts of nude and lingerie models before bottling. IHOP is offering a similar deal with their syrups, except instead of lingerie models, they have a hairy dude named "Sal."

And finally, authorities in Michigan announced that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were not found in a Detroit driveway this week. Can you say the same thing for your home?



Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 3, 2012

Funny business found below:

Mobile phone giant T-Mobile is buying MetroPCS, because apparently its easier to purchase an entire company than it is to get an iPhone.

Hallmark is closing its Topeka, Kansas plant, and laying off 300 workers. Thankfully, there's a card for that. Sadly, they don't make them anymore.

In Germany, police are cracking down on Hells Angels members. Apparently something about big, leather-clad dudes wearing Swastikas and storming around the countryside was making them nervous.

Also in Germany, 3.6 million visitors flocked to Oktoberfest this month. No word yet on the final vomit numbers.

Speaking of Teutons, Arnold Schwarzenegger said in his new memoir that he is an "expert at living in denial." Not sure if that meant he ignored his family or what he did to California. Either way.

There's a new contender in the New York City 2013 mayor's race: Kool-Aid Man.

Because of the sugary drink law.

In Florida, a new company is renting out alligators for children's pool parties. The name of that company: Impending Horror, LLC.

And finally, New Zealand cancelled Mike Tyson's visa after it was revealed that he was Mike Tyson.

Funny business found above:

Monday, October 1, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 2, 2012

Let's make this fast and weird.

Anyone following the Iranian financial markets? What a roller coaster! The rial fell 18% on Monday, to a new record low against the U.S. dollar. Iranian analysts are blaming the country's currency problems on a combination of fluctuating oil prices, increased sanctions and Jews.

In Missouri, Rep. Todd Akin said this week that employers should be allowed to pay women less than men. He then went on to say, "no, I've never heard of the 19th amendment."

But if he's serious about cutting spending, shouldn't Congress be 100% women? We'd save a fortune in salaries.

A new safety report found that Amtrak employees are failing drug tests more often than in previous years, which must mean that Amtrak employees got a raise.

The NHL lockout is still continuing, in case you were wondering.

The Compact Disc turned 30 years old this week. Incidentally, 30 years old is the youngest age of anyone who still buys CDs.

A recent medical study found that children's cognitive development may be harmed by exposure to "secondhand" television. Especially if it's Whitney.

Hotel Transylvania opened at number one in the American box office this weekend, bringing in $43 million and proving that American's can't be trusted with money.

And finally, Kodak announced it will no longer be selling inkjet printers. Instead, they'll be focusing on products that don't irritate the shit out of people.

That's all!