Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 27, 2012

I was going to write this entirely in binary, but that's really tedious. And these jokes are tedious enough already. So, 0111001010011010101001011010101101010100011101001! Am I right?! Ladies know.

At a concert this week, Madonna exhorted her fans to support the "black Muslim" in the White House. She later defended her remarks by reminding reporters that she's very, very stupid.

Dame Helen Mirren recently received a special honor from the European Film Academy for her achievements in world cinema. The award statue, just like the Dame herself, is unchanged since the late 1970s.

After? If so, not by much.
Author J.K. Rowling said this week that she hasn't ruled out the possibility of writing another Harry Potter novel. In a related story, she also hasn't ruled out purchasing Hawaii.

In Hong Kong, a tycoon just posted a $65million bounty for any man who can "woo" his lesbian daughter away from her wife. Oh, has attempted prostitution ever been so hilarious?

A medical study published week found that castrated men live longer than other men, providing some of the most elegant evidence yet that God exists and his sense of humor is terrible.

The mayor of Phoenix spent a week living on a foodstamp budget, and ended up losing four pounds after just one week, which explains why so many poor people are so sexy.

Amid flagging sales, the CEO of Radio Shack just stepped down. His severance package included a lifetime supply of C-Cell batteries.

And finally, pork analysts are predicting a worldwide shortage of bacon this year. The suspected culprit: an unfortunate convergence of poorly constructed homes and blustery worlves! Just kidding, it's our fat asses.

That's it! Later, kiddos.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 26, 2012

Good day, friends. Let's make light of it all.

Korean rapper and dance-savant PSY has pledged that he will go topless if his hit "Gangnam Style" reaches the Number One spot on Billboard's Top Twenty. In response, no one is buying his album.

No one wants to see that.

Speaking of nudity, a local newspaper in the Solomon Islands published topless photos of Kate Middleton and may now close because of it, and not because print is a dying medium.

The Japanese Navy turned back Taiwanese boats in Japanese waters this week with water cannons. The cannons were especially effective, as the boats' crew were all cats.

There you go.

In other cat news, a cat is running for mayor of the Canadian city of Halifax. He's doing really well in the polls, thanks to his wildly popular platform of "meow." But since he's Canadian, it's more like "meow, eh."

That may be the worst joke I've ever written. Or the best...

Speaking of worst and best, Myspace is rebooting itself, again. This time they are focusing on their ideal, core audience: people who were in comas from 2005 until now.

In other tech news, Google said that it "hasn't done anything with maps" for Apple's new iOS6. Strangely, neither has Apple.

In sports news, the NFL referee lockout continues, despite high profile failures by the replacement refs. In a related story, boxing is now considered respectable and organized.

And finally, a medical report just out found that breathing European air will shorten your life. But it seems longer if you measure it in metric units.


Monday, September 24, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 25, 2012

Welcome back! Anything happen at the Emmy's? No? Okay, moving on.

In a recent poll, Apple was picked as the "coolest" brand in the UK, beating out the former champion, "Mr. Bean's Fantastic Dress Sock Garters." It's not a very cool place.

Speaking of Apple, a Foxconn factory building the iPhone 5 in China was shut down when 2000 workers rioted. Or, as Apple calls it, a fair level of excitement for the iPhone.

Speaking of the iPhone 5, since its release last week, it has sold 5 million copies, but sales numbers are still falling short of some analysts' expectations. In a related story, childhood sucks for the children of those analysts.

Celebrity umbra leach Dina Lohan said that she won't talk to Dr. Phil again, which is great news. That's just great news. For everyone.

Smartphone giant Samsung will be offering a pink version of the new Galaxy SIII in Korea. Apple responded by saying that they had previously patented both the color pink and Korea.

The CEO of Fiat denied rumors that they would be selling the Alfa Romeo brand, much to the disappointment of corporations having midlife crises.

Early voting has begun in this year's Presidential election for those who just couldn't wait to be disappointed.

And finally, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert faces prison time and a $190,000 fine in Israeli court for "breach of trust." Note to self: never cheat on an Israeli court.

Yep, that's how it's going out. Tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 20, 2012

<jokes=autoplay yes>

Yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day, and Krispy Kreme Donuts celebrated by giving free donuts to anyone who came into the store and talked like a pirate. So, congratulations, Krispy Kreme employees, on what was most definitely a day that wasn't annoying as Hell.

Chick-Fil-A announced it will no longer be donating to anti-gay groups, as they finally realized how hypocritical it was for them to denounce people for loving cock.

Cock is a male chicken.

Archaeologists believe they may have found an ancient scrap of papyrus in which Jesus refers to his wife. Although it is possible that He was just setting up the earliest mother-in-law joke on record.

Two BATF officials have stepped down over their handling of the "Fast and Furious" investigation. Ironically, no one has yet to be fired over the original Fast and Furious.

Congress united yesterday to pay tribute to Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi. Said one member of Congress, "it's weird to see someone that dedicated to democracy."

In Chicago, the teachers union has reached a tentative agreement to end the strike and get teachers back to work. The mayor is pleased, union officials are pleased, but no one is happier than the members of the Bully Union.

Olympic snowboarder Shaun White was arrested recently for vandalism in a hotel lobby. The arrest was ovreturned, however, when he tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

And finally, Edvard Munch's classic work, "The Scream" is coming to New York's Museum of Modern Art. While on display in New York, it will be re-titled "What the Hell are You Lookin' At?"


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2012

This week, Gov. Mitt Romney came under fire for some things he said in a video secretly recorded during a fundraising dinner in Florida back in May. In the video he said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims and won't ever take responsibility for their own lives. What else is on that video?

1. Romney began his speech by saying he "in no way" wants to be President of the United States.

2. He spent a significant amount of time attempting to prove how Scientology is quantifiably weirder than Mormonism.

3. At no fewer than four moments, used the phrase "But wait! There's more!"

4. Said that should he be elected President, he looks forward to working with Congress, except for Senator Tom Carper (D-DE). He knows why.

5. Promised to outlaw clowns.

6. Retroactively blamed the host's dog for an audible fart.

7. Reminded the audience several times that he does not believe a word he says.

8. Admitted he doesn't really care for the Olympic games.

There. You just saved yourself $50,000.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 18, 2012

Let's make jokes to deal with our feelings of frustration and helplessness at the modern problems we are beset by. Joy!

Science news up first. Doctors found that "sexting" among teens is leading to riskier sexual choices by young people. On the other hand, now kids have a reason to learn to read.

In other medical news, the CDC says that kids are eating too much salt, leading to higher blood pressure among children. It's also why kids today who "play doctor" are actually prescribing meds for hypertension.

Chris Brown's probation hearing for his 2009 assault on Rihanna has been pushed back again. Sure would hate to be the one to have to tell him.

Because he'd probably get real angry and choke me.

Apple's stock hit $700 for the first time. In other words, that's two iPhones. Incidentally, the stock certificates handle Flash content just as well as the phones.

In New York, airport workers are accused of stealing 100,000 tiny bottles of liquor. Authorities think they were planning the world's largest little party.

Newsweek magazine came under fire for a recent cover on "Muslim rage." Apparently the Muslims in question are subscribers. I'd be pissed, too, if I paid for that crap.

Dave Matthews Band released an album this month called "Something You Can Talk About When You Have To Make Small Talk With Your Dealer."

And finally, in leaked videos, Gov. Romney said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims. I didn't realize that many people worked for companies bought by Bain.

That's the end.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - September 17, 2012

Good morning, y'all.

In Greece, two video game makers were arrested on spying charges after taking photographs of military installations. They're now planning to turn the experience into a new game, "Extreme Waterboarding 3D."

In Zimbabwe, a Swiss tourist was fined for insulting President Mugabe. Jeffrey Ross has cancelled his tour.

In television news, Dr. Phil recently called Dina Lohan "phony" before also telling her she was balding, had a stupid moustache and her medical credentials were dubious at best.

The NHL lockout deadline passed this weekend with no deal, leaving at least a dozen fans distraught.

In England, the royal family is taking to the courts to try and stop the spread of topless photos of Kate Middleton because that's how the Internet works.

In China, anti-Japanese protests are spreading across the country. Damn, even their bigotry is more efficient than ours.

In better news, poverty level dropped slightly last month. Gov. Romney congratulated the newly not poor on finally earning their first million dollar paychecks.

And finally, the Boy Scouts of America came under fire this week when the Los Angeles Times reported the organization has helped hide the presence of child molesters in the organization since 1903. The first clue: the Help Hide A Pedophile merit badge.

We are at an end. Till tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2012

Happy time big joke fun funny!

NBC defended its decision to cut away from the 9/11 anniversary ceremony to air an interview with Kris Jenner, saying that they were still sticking with the theme of tragedy.

The Dish Network announced it will air Glenn Beck's new network, so now viewers will be able to watch Mad Men again.

Climatologists warn that arctic ice melts could mean more extreme winters in the future. In response, Mountain Dew is working on a hot chocolate beverage. EXTREME!!!!!!

Following violence in Africa over an anti-Islamic video, YouTube has restricted access to the footage. However, you can still watch videos from Nickleback.

For shame, YouTube.

Archaeologists in England think they may have located the long-lost remains of King Richard III. The Sun has already run a photo of the ancient corpse's penis.

Atlanta police cleared officers of racial profiling charges after they stopped Tyler Perry for questioning. The officers apologized and said they didn't recognize him without a dress.

The hosts of the "popular" daytime talkshow The Talk decided to do an episode without any makeup. It's a good thing they're so charming.

And finally, Russia is set to build the world's biggest icebreaker ship. Once completed, it's scheduled to visit college freshman dorm orientation programs all over the world.

Oof. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 12, 2012

Apologies in advance for this. If you are easily offended, this will probably offend you. If you have the sensibilities of a 13 year-old boy,  you will probably enjoy this immensely. Read on, MacDuff.

Ice cream purveyors Ben & Jerry's are suing a porn studio for making movies with titles based on Ben & Jerry's flavors. They claim the studio is turning their "wholesome" product into something more "holesome." Do they have a case? Let's review the evidence.

Original: Banana Split

Porn: Banana Split Your Pants

Original: Even Steven
Porn: Even Steven (Gets Some)

Original: Boston Cream Pie
Porn: Cream Pie Boston

Original: Brownie Batter
Porn: Brown Eye Batter

Original: Cherry Garcia
Porn: Cherry Garcia Bangs Groupies

Original: Chubby Hubby
Porn: Hubby's Chubby

Original: Imagine Whirled Peace

Porn: Imagine Whirled Piece of Ass

Original: Triple Caramel Chunk

Porn: Triple Caramel Chunk Threeway

You decide. Personally, I don't think they have a leg to stand on. Probably because that leg is up around their ears while... never mind.

See you tomorrow!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 11, 2012

I forgot to post this morning. Sorry about that. Enjoy this well-aged humor.

In iPhone rumor news, there are unconfirmed reports that Foxconn is using forced labor to make the new iPhone 5. Even worse, they're suspected of forcing the laborers to sign two-year contracts with AT&T.

In other Chinese news, the central government pledged to increase consumer spending to bolster the domestic economy. They're instituting a new "One Savings Account" per family rule.

This week, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte will be honored with other Latino athletes at the ALMA awards. And next week, he'll be honored at the annual Douche Banquet.

Speaking of Latin culture, it's becoming extremely popular among Japanese youth, who are redefining the idea of East L.A.

In business news, Sharp just mortgaged its building to generate cash needed to stay in business. This is bad news for investors, but good news for you if you happen to land on one of their hotels.

Rocker Melissa Etheridge will soon be releasing her twelfth studio album, although she said she's really more interested in a box set.

Computer game maker Zynga is hoping for a big hit with their new Farmville 2. It's just like Farmville 1, except now there's a drought. Wait, no, that's America.

And finally, South Africa's Zulu King Zwelithini's said this week that his sixth wife "needs a palace." Just like a woman. AMIRITE, FELLAS!? This king knows what I'm talking about.

Okey dokey. More tomorrow, friends!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2012

Hey, sorry. Stepped outside to take the trash out, and wouldn't you know I left my keys inside. I've been locked out all week. Did anything happen? Oh, man. Okay, let's get back to this.

Clint Eastwood tried to explain his bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention by saying that talking to an empty chair was no different than his experience acting alongside Justin Timberlake.

Over the weekend, a tornado touched down in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, because Manhattan is too crowded and expensive.

Steven Tyler was spotted on a nude beach in Maui, or else someone captured an old dried up jellyfish and shoved it on the end of a broomstick.

Rev. Jesse Jackson said that his son, recuperating from psychiatric treatment, shouldn't rush back to Congress. Instead, Rev. Jackson suggested his son do something more useful with his time. Like Sudoku.

Zoologists in San Diego were able to determine the gender of panda cub this week. They asked the panda how it was feeling, and after half an hour... wonk, wonk, wonk. Ladies like to talk about their feelings!

The Syrian government criticized France's decision to support Syrian rebels, saying that France was undermining the U.N. envoy, which is ridiculous because the envoy is already useless.

Tennessee and AT&T are teaming up for testing a 911 text service, so you can send for help and cause a car accident at the same time.

And finally, a Los Angeles court ruled that the city cannot confiscate and destroy homeless people's belongings without just cause. The city vowed to appeal the decision in the case of "City of Los Angeles v. Human Decency."

That's all for now. But I bet more stuff will need to be made fun of tomorrow.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 4, 2012

Welcome back! Hope you had an awesome day off. No banter today, unfortunately. Or fortunately, depending on how you see it.

Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius trashed a fellow competitor after losing the 200 meter race this weekend. He apologized, however, when he realized he'd put his foot in his mouth. Didn't have a leg to stand on? Really stepped in it? Anyway, it's a great reminder that Paralympians can be just as petty as everyone else.

A monster truck at a show in Oregon went out of control and into the stands this weekend, injuring three people who remarked on how real the 3D effects have become.

In the Ivory Coast, universities have reopened for the first time since post-election violence last year. Student government elections are being closely watched, just in case. Also, fraternity hazing seems really bland this year.

A delegate from California was ejected from the Democratic National Convention after passing out drunk in a hotel lobby. He told police later that he was a Congressman, but no one believed a Democratic Congressman would party that hard. Senator, maybe.

The former CEO of Wet Seal filed suit against the company, alleging racism in her dismissal, pointing out that she is the first CEO at the company who was not a seal.

On the eve of the Democratic National Convention, President Obama and the White House press corps toured New Orleans because the George W. Bush Presidential Library doesn't open until next year.

A casino in Minnesota cooked a one-ton cheeseburger this weekend. However, it had mayonnaise, even though they were supposed to use mustard, so the casino ended up having to throw the whole thing out.

Oh, and also, fuck America's hungry.

And finally, polls reveal that the Romney/Ryan campaign has received virtually no post-convention bump. However, the popularity of chairs is soaring.

Alrighty! Let's do this again tomorrow. Maybe with some new jokes.