Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 1, 2012

Late edition! Still relevant, probably!

Marine biologists reported that a dolphin society, once divided into two groups, is now reunited. Scientists attribute this to a lack of Internet usage among dolphins.

Senate Leader Harry Reid said yesterday that Gov. Mitt Romney hasn't paid taxes in ten years. He offered no proof for the statement, other than saying an unnamed former investor with Bain Capital called and told him. He went on to say that Gov. Romney also has cooties, but declined to provide a source.

Speaking of Harry Reid, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) apologized for calling Senate Leader Harry Reid "incompetent," explaining that he meant to call him "incontinent." Sorry, that's a crap joke.

Speaking of crap jokes, doctors confirm that cases of Whooping Cough are increasing among children, and vaccines are no longer fully effective against newer strains. Whoopi Goldberg has been cleared of any responsibility.

Yesterday, Yahoo! put out a message confirming that their email and messenger service was down, because otherwise you would have never known.

Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti said he sees "a light at the end of the tunnel" for the eurozone debt crisis. This is actually terrible news, as it most likely means that Italy's Prime Minister is in the midst of a near death experience.

General Motors said yesterday that their advertising is not helping to boost the auto maker's sales. If this trend continues, they may be forced to consider actually making a decent product.

And finally, two of the Internet's largest online poker websites agreed to forfeit $731 million in a settlement that proves they did not know when to fold 'em.

That's it! See you tomorrow, kiddos!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 31, 2012

It's Tuesday, my friends. Assuming that it's Tuesday when you're reading this. Have you caught Olympic fever yet? I'm not sure that I'm allowed to say "Olympic," actually. Let's see if we get a cease and desist order from the IOC. That's about the only Olympic souvenir I can afford.


Speaking of the Olympics, did you see that McDonald's and Coca-Cola are sponsoring the Olympic games? In a related story, NASCAR is now sponsored by Broken Glass and Potholes.

Yesterday, U.S. Customs Agents searching Tokyo-bound luggage found several pounds of methamphetamine disguised as Snickers bars. As if those things aren't addictive enough on their own.

In an interview with ABC News, former Vice President Cheney said that even though he supports gay marriage, he didn't see a point in bringing it up in the 2000 election. You know, because of all the bigots who wouldn't vote for him. Wait, was there a punchline? Oh, I guess this is like a comedy of manners. And the joke is that Dick Cheney is a horrible, horrible person.

The White House issued a report this week claiming that Colombia is no longer the world's leading cocaine producer, falling behind Peru and Bolivia in recent years. So, for those of you keeping track at home, that's one more bronze medal for Colombia.

Conservative news site The Daily Caller was attacked by malware on Sunday, changing the website's banner ads to hardcore pornography. Editors apologized to any visitors to the website who may have inadvertently enjoyed themselves.

In India, a power outage in Northern India turned out the lights for over 300 million people, or as it is known in India, "a couple of neighborhoods."

In New Zealand, a 23-year-old man was treated for burns to his buttocks and genitals after attempting to launch fireworks from his own ass. Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved, as well as the young man's belief that he is in fact Wile E. Coyote.

And finally, a Japanese company announced it is now selling a 4.5 ton, armed and armored robot that can be remotely piloted with an iPhone. And you thought drunk texting was dangerous.

There you go. Till tomorrow!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - July 30, 2012

Happy Monday! See, that was meant ironically. Like these jokes.

Customs agents in Norway found two ounces of marijuana in Snoop Dogg's luggage, leading Snoop Dogg to wonder "where did I leave the other six pounds of marijuana I brought with me?"

Japanese ukulele players set a new world record for the most ukulele's played together in concert at one time this weekend. Those in attendance set a new world record for tolerating ukulele music.

Former Vice President Dick "Tin Woodsman" Cheney said in a recent interview that putting Sarah Palin on the 2008 ticket was "a mistake." Congratulations, Sarah Palin! You are now officially more repellent to Dick Cheney than torture and Lynne Cheney's awful romance novel.

A new study on workplace behavior revealed that people who curse on the job are less likely to be promoted, which is some real bullshit.

And finally, some tips for watching the Olympics.

  • If you've ever wanted to watch competitors poop, your best options are long distance running and the horse dressage events.
  • Fencers are no longer required to softly whisper their true love's name and expire after losing a match.
  • Pay special attention to the rowing events, as those skills will become increasingly important once the polar ice caps melt and we're all living in friggin' Waterworld.
  • Try not to think about all the things you could have accomplished if only you were willing to put in the time and effort.
That's it! Later, gaters.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Friday Morning Monologue - July 27, 2012

Happy Friday, people. And 01101000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01111001 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101001 01100100 01100001 01111001 to all my computer friends. Let's laugh it out.

This week, President Obama pledged to do everything in his power to curb gun violence after the Pentagon assured him that drone strikes don't use guns.

Several cases of the flu in Indiana were traced back to pigs at a county fair, leading organizers to close down the ever-popular "make out with a pig" booth. Sad day.

Mitt Romney went to London this week, and proceeded to piss of the city when he called the city unprepared for the Olympics. Yeah, how embarrassing, when you're on the world stage like that and you're just not ready.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was caught cheating on her costar/boyfriend this week. She tried to deny it, but of course, no one believed her. Because she's a terrible actress.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un got married in a private ceremony, attended only by family, their closest friends and a low-yield nuclear bomb.

The Romney camp denied that an adviser to the campaign said President Obama didn't understand America's "Anglo-Saxon" heritage. They did clarify that all they were trying to say is that President Obama is way more black than most Americans.

A bunch of bears trashed a luxury home in Bearsville, New York, this week. Presumably after a blond chick trashed their place first.

And finally, film star Jeremy Renner said in an interview that he "accidentally" took Viagra on a recent plane trip. It was the hardest trip he ever took.

Yep, going out on a dick joke. Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2012

Let's make it happen, Wednesday. I knew a kid named Wednesday once. Or maybe it was Wendy. Whatever. Enjoy these jokes, or don't.

Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.

Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."

Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.

A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.

YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.

NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?

Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.

And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!

Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 24, 2012

Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!

NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.

In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.

The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.

In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.

In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.

A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.

Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.

And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.

And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - July 23, 2012

Joy! It's joke time again!

Rumors are circulating that cell phone giant Nokia, lately beset with poor sales of the new Windows phone, is planning something new for September 7. Investors are hoping it's "profit."

Ford recalled 11,500 of their Escape SUVs, and told owners not to drive them, which is something that should have occurred to them as soon as they realized they were Fords.

A firefighter in Georgia rescues a baby boy from a storm drain last week. She was unable, unfortunately, to save any of the bathwater.

In New York, a bus driver caught a young girl who fell from her third floor apartment. The NY Mets have asked him to tell them how he did it.

Spain's King Juan Carlos I lost his title as head of the WWF over his participation in an elephant hunt. He's going to try to get it back next month in a pay-per-view tag team match.

Islamic and Hebrew leaders in Germany say they're being persecuted by the country's circumcision ban, to which Germany responded "just be glad you're not Scientologists."

Former President Bill Clinton met with the Greek Premier Antonis Samaras last week to discuss foreign investments in the country. Once it became clear that there wouldn't be any, Samaras then asked Clinton for any "hot tips."

And finally, Joe Paterno's family issued a statement this weekend, saying that Sandusky's sexual abuse victims would not helped by the removal of Joe Paterno's statue from the campus. Fortunately, the victims are well accustomed to receiving no help from Joe Paterno in any way. The statue will be removed, however, which is better than the original plan: leave it in place but put blinders on.

Yay! No more jokes! Wait, what?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 19, 2012

Let me tell you a little story. Actually, eight little stories. And they're not stories, so much as they are jokes. And I won't tell them to you. I'll just publish them on my blog, and you can read them or not. My God, I can be tiresome sometimes.


Two men were stopped at the US/Canadian border when customs agents found them to be in possession of "illegal candy." The contraband was uncovered by the world's fattest police dog.

Two cousins in Ohio cleaning out a their aunt's house found a stash of rare baseball cards worth an estimated $3 million. They can't wait to hear how great the cards sound once they put them in their bicycle spokes.

Google Maps unveiled new "Street View" content of Antarctica, taken by what must have been the most hated intern in history.

The Chinese government is claiming that the Great Wall of China is longer than previously thought. Historians are now arguing that it was really cold when they first measured it.

There's a video making the rounds on the Internet right now of a man proposing to his girlfriend to the tune of an old Toyota pickup commercial song. The point being, I guess, is that he's happy to be with her now until she starts breaking down and/or he can afford something better.

If you ain't no chump, holla "WE WANT PRE-NUP!"

Researches found recently that the high cost of dental care keeps many Americans from receiving proper treatment. Also: drills are scary.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said yesterday that "the window is closing" for peace in Syria. By the way, Jay Carney thinks that "windows" are magical time-machines that can change the past.

And finally, cycling star Frank Schleck said he "formally rejects" test results that indicate he used banned substances, saying that someone must have tampered with his penis.

BOOMSHAKALAKA. Have a classy day, Internet.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2012

You guys like jokes and stuff?

Actor and human wall Michael Clarke Duncan survived a heart attack last week thanks to the heroic actions of his girlfriend, Omarosa, who found him and performed CPR on the 325lb man. The only downside is that he can never win another argument with her again.

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao promised to focus on job creation going forward, to which a confused Speaker Boehner replied "China's going to try and outlaw abortion?"

Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said this week that she blames the increase in drug trafficking and unchecked arms sales for the increased violence in Africa over the last decade. She also blamed gravity for making stuff fall.

In Olympic news, Jamaican runner Yohan Blake said that his close friendship with fellow Jamaican Usain Bolt will survive no matter what happens at the London Olympics, to which Bolt replied "I'm totally going to bang your wife at the Olympics. HIGH FIVE!"

In Akron, Ohio, a 37 year-old single mother has been panhandling on the streets, trying to raise money for breast impants, which she says will help raise her self-esteem. Seems like a fool-proof plan to me!

In New York, Katie Holmes enrolled her daughter Suri in Catholic school, because she didn't want her child indoctrinated into a cult.

In Arizona, famed sheriff Joe Arpaio was shocked to hear he was the target of a profanity-filled comedy routine from George Lopez. George Lopez was shocked to hear that Joe Arpaio gave a damn what a Latino had to say.

And finally, former Governor John Sununu, while campaigning for Mitt Romney, said he wished that President Obama "would learn to be an American." Sununu clarified his comment later, saying that he only meant the President "should be quite a bit fatter."

And that's... how you end... your... bloooooooooooooooooooooog! You were meant to imagine me singing and dancing that last part, like the end of a big Broadway showstopper. Go back and read it again with that in mind. Pretty sweet, right? Okay, see you tomorrow!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 17, 2012

Ugh. Jokes now.

The captain of the Costa Concordia said yesterday that "I am clear with my conscience." It should be pointed out that his conscience is a worthless asshole.

Protesters in Egypt taunted Secretary of State Clinton recently with shouts of "Monica, Monica, Monica" before presumably going off to listen to Chumbawumba and watch Seinfeld.

North Korea's army chief was relieved of duty this week due to an undisclosed "illness." Some observers say it indicates a possible power struggle, but it's just as likely that the dude has scurvy. Seriously, those are some malnourished people.

In other world news, the United Nations found rampant corruption within the Somali government, which is actually great news, considering that in previous years Somalia's government was too weak to support graft and corruption.

In Oregon, gloves are no longer required for food service workers, thanks to the tireless lobbying of the diarrhea industry.

NBC's Today Show lost in the ratings again last week, even after the addition of new co-host Savanna Guthrie. Just to be safe, NBC fired Ann Curry again.

A passenger flying back from Europe on Delta airlines was served a turkey sandwich with sewing needles inside. The passenger was rightfully upset, as she had specifically ordered the vegetarian sewing needle option.

And finally, Microsoft is touting Office 2013's ability to fully integrate with popular programs like Yammer and Skype, promising to ruin them with greater efficiency than ever before.

Tell your friends.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2012

Good day to you. Let's get right to the joking around portion of today's blog.

A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.

In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.

The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.

NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.

Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."

President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.

A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.

And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.

C'est fini!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2012

Let's make this quick. No promises for funny.

Canada ended the practice of granting work visas to exotic dancers coming to the country from overseas. So, just like your immune system, they're freaking out over foreign bodies.

Actress Sophia Vergara got engaged this week. At the wedding, she will be given away by her cleavage.

GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney said this week that he didn't know where his offshore investments were. Great, not only is he avoiding taxes, but he sucks at geography, too.

Speaking of Romney, he was booed yesterday by an audience at the NAACP. Thankfully for Romney, he was unfazed by the response as he is genetically incapable of hearing what black people say.

Attorney General Eric Holder said this week that new voter ID laws amount to a "poll tax." GOP lawmakers said it's not a tax, because it doesn't impact the wealthiest 1% of Americans.

Tour de France cyclist Remy di Gregorio faces doping charges, and will be subjected to a medical exam just as soon as organizers are able to catch him. Because he's going so fast.

And finally, Saudi Arabia is sending two female athletes to the London Olympics this summer, but only on the condition that they not be allowed to drive there.

Remember what I said about not promising funny? Yeah, there you go.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 11, 2012

Happy Wednesday. Are you surviving the heat? If you aren't then you're probably dead, and at the risk of sounding prejudiced, I don't want dead people reading my blog. Go read the Drudge Report or something.

If you're not dead, then I have some tips for you on surviving the summer heat that are about as useful as people asking you if it is hot enough for you. Hate those guys...

* Ancient Egyptians used to spread crocodile dung on their skin to keep cool. Try it! And post your results on YouTube.

* In the 1920s, people used to go to the movie theaters to stay cool. Build a time machine, go back to the 1920s and enjoy all the ice-cooled air you can stand! Oh, and also, maybe try and do something about that Hitler fella.

* Mammals are warm-blooded. Therefore, the more blood in your body, the hotter you're going to be. See if you can't do something about that.

* Move north.

* Buddhists believe that our desire is the source of our suffering. So, if you're suffering in the heat, it's your own fault, you greedy asshole.

* Nerves carry sensory data, like heat, to our brains. Lots of household cleaning products cause nerve damage. You do the math.

* Get naked. Unless you are ugly.

* Turn up the air conditioner, numbnuts. It's too late to do anything about climate change, so go crazy!

That's all for now! Stay cool, Internet!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Friday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2012

Hi, y'all! It's almost the weekend! Can you taste it? If so, you should go see a doctor, because you're probably having a gustatory hallucination, and that needs to be checked out. And while you wait, you should enjoy these jokes!

Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.

In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.

Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.

Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.

An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.

Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.

French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.

She's hot.

And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2012

Good morning, everybody. I hope you're having a groovy Thursday. I know I (probably) am. I don't know for sure. I write these in advance. If anyone can confirm the grooviness of my Thursday, please let me know. In exchange, partake of these jokes.

Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.

In other news, a Kansas City police officer was accused this week of demanding that prostitutes have sex with him in order to avoid being arrested. And now no one gets off.

Facebook and General Motors are back in talks to put GM ads on Facebook again, but only if Facebook can promise better effectiveness for the ads, and fewer event invitations. Honestly, who likes those?

In Venice Beach, California, a nude man was found screaming and humping the air, apparently upset that he had just now found out he'd lost California's GOP Presidential Primary.

In television news, the major networks are heading to court to oppose Dish Network's new ad-skipping feature. But no one seems to mind their similar Whitney-skipping feature.

And finally, we've all heard by now that Tom Cruise is getting divorced for the second time, just as he's about to turn 50 years old. Yikes. A fifty year-old double-divorcee... I just can't imagine many women are gonna be sleeping with him now.

That's it. Keep on truckin' good buddies.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 3, 2012

I sure hope you don't waste today sitting around, staring at a stupid screen all day. Unless you're reading my blog, of course. Jokes commencing!

A source close to Nadya "Octomom" Suleman revealed that she and her new boyfriend "haven't been intimate" yet. At least she hasn't felt anything yet.

Militant Islamists in Mali are destroying tombs, mosques and other archaeological treasures in the ancient city of Timbuktu as part of their policy of "being total assholes."

A recent medical study shows that coffee might help prevent skin cancer, but the downside is that will still give you third degree burns.

The remote town of Bethel, Alaska, was treated to a free feast of Taco Bell this weekend after a hoax circulated around town that the restaurant was moving into the area. The residents were treated to a meal of 10,000 tacos, made with 300 pounds of lettuce, 150 pounds of cheese, 500 pounds of sour cream, 300 pounds of tomatoes and almost 10 pounds of USDA ground beef. There's an equation there to calculate the amount of diarrhea produced by the town, but this blog is too classy for that sort of thing.

Singer/songwriter Lauryn Hill pleaded guilty to tax evasion yesterday, but with a smooth soulful sound rarely heard in courtrooms. Her plea agreement is certain to gold.

In Scotland, a nutritionist has created what he considers to be the first nutritious pizza in the country, which probably means he just took regular pizza, added a some tripe and boiled it.

Net Applications reports that Microsoft's Internet Explorer has more than half of the web browser market, because old people still surf the web.

And finally, tiny dictatorship Myanmar plans a second airport in the city of Yangon, giving citizens another way to not be able to leave the country.

Now go have a great day! Turn the computer off! (right after you email this to your friends, of course)

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2012

Welcome back, sweaty people. How's your AC holding up? And by AC, I do mean Armor Class. That's right, it's Dungeons & Dragons season. Okay, so for the five of you still reading, please enjoy these jokes.

The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.

Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.

An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.

In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.

Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.

In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."

In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.

And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.

And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.