Sunday, July 31, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - August 1, 2011

It's August. And this is, officially, a cruel, cruel summer. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an ambivalent fall. Alright, enough funny business. Here are some jokes.

Late last night, Congress reached a tentative agreement on raising the debt ceiling after months of negotiation. Key support came in from the Tea Party Caucus after they managed to build in some previsions to the legislation that will still allow them to destroy the global economy.

Speaking of screwed, Hugh Hefner said this week that he has sex "once a week," which means that he does not understand what's happening when he goes to see the doctor.

Speaking of Hugh Hefner, he has apparently made peace with his ex-fiancee, Crystal Harris. Hefner said of the fight, "I can't even remember why we were fighting. Could someone remind me...?"

In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak's trial is going to be televised. It's going to be the biggest thing on Egyptian television since all the stuff Mubarak did that caused the trial in the first place.

Miley Cyrus got a tattoo in support of gay marriage, then tweeted about it, because apparently people were taking the issue too seriously.

Tasteful businessman Larry Flynt is offering $500,000 to Casey Anthony to appear nude in Hustler magazine, following her recent acquittal. There's been no word about a similar offer to Hosni Mubarak.

In sports news, NFL quarterback Plaxico Buress signed with the Jets on the condition that he stop shooting himself.

And finally, a recent study found that dolphins have a sixth sense that allows them to detect electrical fields in the water. Unfortunately, none of those six senses are much use in detecting nets.

Okay, that's all for now. August is off to a great start, right everyone? Let's keep it going tomorrow!

Till then, have a great day!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: A Buffet of Jokes!

How ya doing out there, internets? We've got a great post for you today! Chris Kattan is going to do a line of blow and then appear on Jimmy Fallon. So enjoy that. Did I tell you that I had a bit-part in a Chris Kattan movie he shot in Oklahoma? I did. Perhaps one day I will be as talented as Chris Kattan.

Sketchers' plans to slowly pull back the advertising for their Shape-up style shoe. They decided that to the demographic they are selling to, putting on shoes IS exercise.

In President Obama's address to the nation, he quoted Ronald Reagan. Republicans threw a fit because he used their God's name in vain.

Since Beohner and Obama can't get along, I suggest we give a try to the people that have to get panda's to mate.

In other financial talk, the NFL and the NFL Players Union agreed on a plan that includes a continuation of revenue sharing. The most popular form of Socialism in America at the moment.

For the record, I think Michele Bachmann would be a terrible president. But her husband would be a very elegant first lady.

Speaking of Michele Bachmann, she admitted that she gets terrible migraines. But that is just a trick to make America think she has a brain.

Comic-Con wrapped up last week in San Diego. Which means if you see lots of white people in masks, they are comic book nerds. If you see black people in masks, run.

In a recent Gallop poll, 42% of responders said they would vote for Michele Bachmann. Which means America is not having enough abortions.

U.S. Soccer said Thursday it has fired men's national team coach Bob Bradley. They will also soon be firing all the players and replacing everyone with the U.S. Soccer Women's team. Jog Bras for everyone!

That's it for me. Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 28, 2011

Welcome to Thursday! Let's get this over with.

The United Kingdom this week formally announced they would be recognizing a group of Libyan rebels as the legitimate government of Libya. Good news, everyone! Whenever the U.K. weighs in on governmental legitimacy in Africa, things always turn out great. So, judging by past successes, this whole Libyan mess should be resolved in just about... never.

In sadder news, unless you're Libyan, the historic "Ben Franklin" Post Office in Philadelphia may be closing due to budget cuts. Fortunately, residents will still be serviced by Ye Olde Fede Exprefse.

Speaking of historic relics, 3,000 Roman coins were found in British field near the site of an ancient Roman laundromat.

Speaking of historic relics, Hugh Hefner's ex, Crystal Harris, went on the radio this week and said that her time with Hef was mostly sexless. She claimed that they'd only done it once, very quickly, and that she'd never seen him naked. Sounds like Hef's been cribbing from my college playbook!

A family in North Carolina made news this week when they won the lottery for the third time. When asked if they felt they were exceptionally lucky, they said, "no, we still live in North Carolina."

In medical news, a man recently attempted to perform hernia surgery on himself using only a butter knife. See, this is what happens when Bear Grylls gets bored. And where's Obama-care when it comes to the clinically insane, isolated hernia-sufferer? Hmm? Where's his personal mandate? Seriously, though, society has failed this guy on at least three levels, as far as I can tell. Four, if you count blog-mockery.

In international political news, a group of female U.S. Senators are lobbying the Saudi Arabian government to lift the country's ban on female drivers. 'Cause if there's one thing reactionary, hard-line Islamic fundamentalists love, it's a bunch of American women telling them their business. Just like a woman. Am I right, fellas?

And lastly, a public service announcement. They made a movie based on the board game Battleship®. So remember, there's no longer such a thing as a stupid idea.

Okay, yeah, that's all you get from me this week. Come back tomorrow for a smorgasbord of jokes from Spencer, and I'll see you again on Monday.

Till then, as always, have a great day!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 27, 2011

Welcome to Wednesday, the long, unending Kansas of the week. How's your week been so far? Anybody got that whole debt ceiling thing figured out yet? Anybody? Nope? Oh, okay. Anybody have a copy of Rosetta Stone: Mandarin I could borrow? Xie xie...

Until then, enjoy these Xiào Huà!

Former Governor and prolific inseminator Arnold Schwarzenegger agreed yesterday to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver after earlier refusing. He claimed that his lawyer had made the decision to deny spousal support without his consent. Doesn't it suck when you put your trust in someone and they go and do something stupid behind your back like that?

In charity news, Sheryl Crow is selling her 1959 Mercedes Benz. Apparently it's easier for her to unload her car than her albums.

Speaking of unloading, former Egyptian "President" *cough* *dictator* *cough* Hosni Mubarak is refusing food in part to protest his treatment by the new government, which is funny because he used to kill people who protested against the government.

Speaking of cosmic justice, human petri dishes Kat Von D and Jesse James called off their wedding upcoming wedding. James was especially disappointed, as he was looking forward to the chance to cheat on yet another woman.

International retail behemoth Wal-Mart has entered the streaming video market with their new service, Vudu. It's just like Netflix but with a lot more Chuck Norris.

You heard about Congressman David Wu, right, from Oregon? He's been accused of making unwanted sexual advances toward the 18 year old daughter of his friend and campaign donor. Well, for some reason he's decided to resign from Congress. Oh, he's not a Republican. There you go.

Rocker and heavy metal madman Ozzy Osbourne spent $10,000 on a Yorkie puppy this week. Apparently he was really hungry.

And lastly, in other animal-eating news, a young girl from North Carolina said that she forgave the shark that attacked and nearly killed her, because children are dumb.

Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow, right? There will be some jokes about stuff.

Till then, have a great day!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 26, 2011

Yay! Keep it up! Let's get through this week! Oh, I forget sometimes how difficult it is to convey bitter, detached irony through text. Boo, hoo. Enjoy some jokes!

In royal news, Prince William gave an old pair of Princess Diana's earrings to Kate Middleton, who already wears Princess Diana's engagement ring. Along with the earrings, William also sent Kate a bottle of peroxide and a copy of Vertigo. Good flick.

In opera news, an Israeli orchestra is set to perform one of Hitler's favorite pieces, by Wagner, in Germany. It's quite possibly the most punk rock moment in operatic history.

In political news, the Syrian government announced that it will allow political parties, but they're still undecided on whether or not to allow political candidates.

Speaking of political candidates, Hugo Chavez will be running for re-election in 2012, because of course he will. However, he's expected to face a tough primary challenge from his tumor.

In Korea, a woman protesting job losses has now spent 200 days on top of a crane at a prominent shipping company. Just like a woman, right fellas?

In other industrial horror news, the formerly-trapped Chilean miners from Chile have reached an agreement on a movie deal based upon their lives and their harrowing time spent trapped for weeks in total darkness by a collapse at the mine. The movie is tentatively called Don't Be a Miner!

Police in New York busted a prostitution ring worth $7million. What tipped them off? Probably all those bags of ten dollar bills stuck together. That's why you've gotta launder your money...

And finally, Chinese law enforcement has been hard at work recently shutting down fake Apple Stores selling counterfeit Apple products. How do they know the products are fake? They weren't made in China.

That's it. Come back tomorrow, and maybe there will be a debt-ceiling joke. Maybe?

Till then, have a great day!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2011

What is this, Monday? Oh, the Hell with that.

Okay, jokes now.

This week, an Italian diesel tanker was seized by pirates in the open sea off the coast of Benin, in west Africa. Just so we're clear, American manufacturing is shrinking, while African sea piracy is expanding. Whatever the IMF is doing, they need to start doing the opposite.

Speaking of money, Speaker Boehner walked out of debt-ceiling discussions with President Obama on Friday and then refused to take his call. Seems like a dick move, Boehner. Yes, that's right, you get jokes about how your name sounds like "boner" until you quit acting like a penis.

In news of talks that stand a chance in Hell, the U.S. State Department invited representatives from North Korea to rejoin anti-proliferation talks. North Korea said they will return to the negotiations on the condition of tacos. They want tacos. Because they have no food! Sad. But tacos sure are good, right?

Someone who won't be enjoying tacos for a while? R&B singer R. Kelly. Mr. Kelly recently had emergency tonsil surgery, and we wish him the best as he recovers. His publicist issued a statement saying that he won't be able to sing during recovery, but he should have no problems peeing on people.

In other romantic news, singer/dancer/Abdul-replacer Jennifer Lopez capped off the end of her marriage by flying to The Ukraine to perform at wedding reception, because apparently there's no word in Ukranian for "irony."

Speaking of international entertainers, Canadian law enforcement authorities have declined to honor American extradition requests for Randy Quaid, saying that "he's just too damn fun!" Seriously, the guy can be pretty entertaining. I can understand why they'd want to keep him. After all, we're keeping Dave Foley, so it seems only fair.

In other entertainment money news, a rare photo of the Beatles' first U.S. concert recently sold for $360,000 at auction. And Ringo still won't sign it.

And finally, Sunday marked the first day that gay marriage became legal in the state of New York. Many church groups vehemently protested this expansion of civil rights, including many predominantly black churches, because apparently there's no word in the Bible for "irony."

That's it. And I mean that sincerely. Let's do this again, what say? How about in roughly 24 hours? So, if you have an entire season of 24 saved on your DVR, with commercials, start watching it now, and when you're done, there should be another one of these things to read.

Till then, have a great day!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Gold Cobra

Hey gang! I just picked up the hot new joint from Limp Bizkit. It's a rockin' good time. What's that? You thought all the members of Limp Bizkit were dead? Well, I did too. I think this is one of those Tupac things, ya know, where they just keep releasing tracks after the fact that no one give a shit.

The hit TV show Cash Cab is responsible for the death of a 61 year old Canadian man when a tech truck for the show hit the pedestrian. Silly Canadians, that's not how you catch a cab.

A man in Utah hurt his toes when he kicked a mountain lion in the face when it approached him in his driveway. He was wearing a pair of Crocs. The shoes, while comfortable, are not aesthetic or good for kicking wild animals in the face.

A British postman stashed more than 31,000 undelivered parcels and letters at his home - because he was too drunk to complete his rounds. Guess they're gonna have to add a line in the British postman's creed.

A woman in California was the topic of a scientific news article for a functional third nipple - on the bottom of her left foot. I think she needs to make some appearances on talk shows, ya know? Milk it for all it's worth.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 21, 2011

Hello, Thursday!

A Taliban spokesman denied reports yesterday that Mullah Omar had been killed. As proof, they provided pictures of him partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. I am unconvinced.

British Prime Minister David Cameron issued a statement today saying how he regretted hiring scandal-rife former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his press secretary, and wouldn't have hired him had he known more about the man. It was the most awkward press release Mr. Coulson ever wrote.

The Batman stunt spectacular arena show suffered a setback this week after the Batmobile crashed. Don't worry, Julie Taymor has an airtight alibi.

The Crown Prince of Thailand's personal jet has been impounded by Germany over disputes between the Thai government and a German construction company, and the plane won't be allowed to leave unless a €20 million is paid. Oh, that reminds me. Can we make sure Air Force One doesn't touch down anywhere in China?

In other aviation news, Iran claims that it has brought down a U.S. spy drone near one of the country's nuclear enrichment sites. As proof, they showed pictures of the drone partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

And in other other aviation news, American Airlines announced the purchase of 460 new planes from Boeing and Airbus. That's some serious retail therapy.

In music news, the Newport Folk Festival has sold out, for the first time in its history. I guess that means folk's gone mainstream? Is it too soon for hipsters to start hating Billy Bragg, and for disaffected high school kids to start shouting "Folk's not dead!"?

And lastly, in other music news, Boyz II Men released a new CD for their 20th anniversary.  It's called "Yes, We Understand We're No Longer Boyz, and No, We're Not Changing The Name." It's a concept album.

That's it! Spencer's in tomorrow, I'm back on Monday, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great weekend!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 20, 2011

Knock knock.

Who's there?

A bunch of jokes.

The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.

The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.

In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...

Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.

In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.

Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...

In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.

And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.

That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!

And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 19, 2011

Oh my, it's Tuesday. Remember, no matter how hard you work or how great you are, it's going to be Tuesday all day long. So, just relax. And enjoy these jokes.

Presidential candidate Herman Cain said on Sunday that Americans should be allowed to ban Mosques from being built in their communities if they choose to. That's how democracy works, right? He said that the First Amendment guarantees that right. Hmm. He seems to have lost all memory of the civil rights movement as well as the ability to interpret the First Amendment properly. How is it he's not on the Supreme Court?

Speaking of legal stuff, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is back in the news, kind of. Her songwriting partner is suing their publishing company to recover payments from the company for songs the duo penned together. At the heart of the matter? "R-O-Y-A-L-T-Y. That they never paid this guy." Okay, that's a crap joke. You're absolutely right not to laugh at that. I just hope I still have your... what's the word? Oh, right! Esteem! Whew, that was close.

I'm sorry.

In Milan this week, Silvio Berlusconi's trial for sex-crimes is proceeding while Berlusconi continues to serve out the remainder of his term as Prime Minister. How ridiculous! What kind of country let's their chief executive stay in power while on trial for seedy, disgusting... oh, wait a minute. Never mind.

In Hawaii, a yearly Ukelele festival just got underway in Honolulu with participants coming from all over the world to share their love for tiny, high-pitched acoustic guitars. Meanwhile, no one seems to give a damn about my new festival: Recorder-ella. Give it time.

A recent poll revealed that the MTV trainwreck show The Jersey Shore has in fact not harmed the public's perception of New Jersey. I'm not sure New Jersey should be happy about that...

And some sports news coming out of the Women's World Cup this week, as FIFA revealed that five North Korean players tested positive for anabolic steroids. They did not, it turns out, test positive for having eaten food. Because North Korea doesn't have any. Oh, that's sad.

I'm sorry.

Work is under way in San Rafael, California, on a $650,000 trail being built around the home of Metallica singer James Hetfield. Lars Ulrich announced he will sue anyone who uses the trail without authorization. Yeah, that's a Napster joke.

And finally, in Sweden a man was charged with rape after his semen was discovered at a crime scene by a specially-trained sperm-sniffing dog. So, the next time you think you job sucks, just remember: you're not rubbing a German Shepherd's snout in a bunch of semen all day. Oh, and I won't be making another President Clinton reference here. Nope. Not at all.

Yep. That's how we'll end Tuesday. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you come back tomorrow. There will probably be significantly less bodily fluid references. Maybe.

Alright, see you tomorrow! Have a great day!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2011

Monday. Hmm. That's bad news for people who enjoy the weekend. Oh well. Let's see what we can do about it.

Here's something good. There was bad news for dictators this weekend, as former tyrant Hosni Mubarak suffered a stroke and/or coma while ex-Uruguayan dictator Bordaberry actually died. You know, these things normally happen in threes, so look out, Gadhaffi and Chavez! Which will it be? Bombs or tumors? Either way, the rest of us win.

In a related story, Colonel Gadhaffi said this weekend that he will never leave Libya. That could have something to do with the fact that no other country will let him in.

In London, former NewsCorp executive Rebekah Brooks just got arrested in connection with the News of the World phone hacking scandal. It's too bad News of the World folded, because this is the sort of story they live for. Also, they were handy to have around in case you ever forgot your PIN.

In Germany, organizers of the Quadriga Role Model award for human rights scrapped plans to award the prize to Vladimir Putin when it was revealed that he was, in fact, Vladimir Putin and not a great role model for encouraging human rights. See, it's a very fine distinction there. In Moscow, a steely-eyed Putin stared off into the western sky and ordered his assistant to procure more radioactive Polonium.

In Colorado, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman started a bar fight because of course he did. He's probably just pissed that he'll never get the chance to battle Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.

Jane Fonda is back in the news, claiming that QVC has bumped her from their channel because of her history of political activism. The network said it was a routine programming change, adding "you really think we're in the business of booting people over politics? That would imply we have some sort of standards. Wanna buy a porcelain clown lipstick cozy?"

In cinema news, the Sarah Palin documentary opened in "wide" release this week. So far theaters have been mostly empty, much like the minds of the people who are actually in the audience. However, it is an instance where the film is better than the book. Also, it's pretty ballsy of them to go up against Harry Potter. Not a smart move.

And lastly, singers Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are ending their marriage after seven years. The sad news has many people saying "oh yeah, Marc Anthony. I'd totally forgotten about him."

That's it! Not a single steroid joke today, although there might be one tomorrow. So come back and find out!

And until then, have a great day!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: The Betty Ford Edition

Hope you are having a great week. It's Friday, so that helps. I don't have anything to discuss regarding small talk, so here are some jokes:

Former First Lady Betty Ford passed away this week. Did you know that she had a mastectomy in her 40's? It's true, and when she got really smashed she'd tell ya which tit was fake.

Betty Ford is amazing, do you realize how much a person has to drink for doctors to name a clinic after you?

In election news, Mike Huckabee is no longer a Christian. He stopped believing when someone explained to him that God had a child out of wedlock.

The question on everyone's mind is: When is Sarah Palin going to announce her candidacy? Well, I'm here to tell you that she isn't running for president. If she was, she would have stopped cashing the checks she gets from the lamestream media.

Did you know presidential candidate,Herman Cain, is suggesting a Great Wall, alligator-filled moat, Mexico border solution? Someone's been watching too much 'Game of Thrones'!

The final Harry Potter movie is out! Finally, I can stop ignoring it.

That's it for me. Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 14, 2011

Alright, one more time.

Speaking of one more time, a modern remake of the primetime soap opera Dallas will be coming to television this fall. A network executive involved said "hey, people love oil companies, right? Don't you think they want to watch a show about the people who run oil companies? That's gonna work, totally. Oh, and there's lots of slapping." Maybe if it really was a show where oil company executives got slapped, over and over, that would be worth watching.

In other television news, Ted Danson is joining the cast of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation this fall. The first case: tracking down the last ten years of Ted Danson's life. Seriously, where's he been?

In legal news, Rodney Kind was arrested recently during a routine traffic stop on suspicion of drunk driving. Well, if they're bringing back Dallas, why not do this again, too?

Elsewhere in California, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will return to acting in the portentously-titled Last Stand. The title was changed after Schwarzenegger joined the cast. It was originally called Washed-up Action Star that Most People are Sick of Seeing. Go get 'em, tiger.

In real estate news, R. Kelly is facing foreclosure on his Chicago mansion. Apparently he's trapped in the mortgage now. "I Believe I Can Refinance?" I don't know. Maybe if the house didn't smell so strongly of Lip Smackers and urine it would sell quicker.

In other television news, Arizona State Senator Lori Klein pointed a loaded handgun at a reporter's chest during an interview this week. In her defense, she was just staying on message. That message: I'm batshit crazy about guns!

Recently an actor vandalized the set of The Late Show with David Letterman. Afterwards, the man said he "had no recollection of the entire episode." Incidentally, "no recollection of the entire episode" is also the best case scenario for viewers of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. BOOM! Take that, stranger!

And lastly, Jennifer Salke was named the new head of NBC Entertainment. She's announced a new plan for the network that she calls "making good decisions." Just might be crazy enough to work.

Anyway, that's all you get from me. Come see Spencer tomorrow, eh? He's got funny things to say. I'll see you on Monday.

Have a great day!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 13, 2011

Fifty percent and counting. Today's a big day. Let's make some funny.

In Texas, a woman had a 16 pound baby recently. She credits the amazing size of her child to prenatal vitamins, plenty of sleep, and all the Human Growth Hormones she could score st the gym. That would explain why the baby has bacne.

In other big family news, the stars of Sister Wives are challenging Utah's anti-bigamy laws, which forced them to leave the state. It's not a choice I would make, and I don't entirely approve of it, but as long as they're not hurting anyone, I say go ahead and let 'em live in Utah.

In other legal news, Foxy Brown is going back to court after violating a restraining order by mooning her neighbor. But come on, how can you really hope to restrain Foxy Brown's ass?

In international news, Secretary of State Clinton said that Syrian President Assad is no longer legitimate. She clarified her earlier statement of "Assad is a bastard."

In San Francisco, a man went on trial for stealing a Picasso painting from a local gallery. His lawyer acknowledged that it looked bad for his client, but only from one perspective.

This week, the crew of a Jet Blue flight found a stun gun lodged in one of the seats. A representative from Spirit Air said "hey, that was our idea! Wait, was it set to go off sporadically, shocking people in the ass until they gave it all their money? No? Oh, then never mind."

In Australia, police put a stop to a series of unannounced free concerts by Lady Gaga. The cops probably overreacted when they heard some lady was out on the street giving it away for free.

And lastly, the new social networking site Google+ now has over 10 million members, and half of them want you to win a free iPad! Yahoo! I mean, Google! I need an invite...

Okay, that's it for today! Hope your day is amazing and beautiful!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2011

Welcome to your Tuesday, my friends. Did you eat your peas yet? If you didn't, it probably means you want America to default on its debts. Boo to that. Booooooo. But yay for jokes!

After recent storms in Chicago, over 800,000 people were left without power. So they had to cook their sausages and listen to the Cubs lose in the dark, like animals. I assume that's what happens in Chicago. Everyone sits around eating sausage and watching the Cubs. Right?

In other sausage news, I mean sporting news, Russian cyclist and consanant-enthusiast Alexandr Kolobnev failed a drug screening while racing in the Tour de France. A visibly angered Kolobnev said "I knew that damn Armstrong pissed in my water bottle!" But no one understood him on account of his silly accent.

Back in America, many Sprint users were unable to send or receive text messages yesterday, making it that much harder for politicians to end their careers.

In news of the Internet, superfine actress Mila Kunis will be attending a formal dance with Marine Corps Sergeant Scott Moore after seeing a YouTube video posted by Sgt. Moore where he asked Ms. Kunis to go to the dance as his date. Settle down, sweaty Internet nerds. It only works if you're in the Marine Corps, and HALO doesn't count.

Do you guys watch Pawn Stars? You do? I'm actually surprised. Well, then you might enjoy this joke. Recently, one of the stars of the show, Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison lost 115lbs. The secret? It turns out his fat is a collectible. They just sucked it right out and sold it for a mint!

That was gross. Sorry about that.

Speaking of mint, the world's newest country, South Sudan, unveiled its new currency this week, the South Sudan Pound. In a related story, Glenn Beck is already pitching for a South Sudanese cash for gold company.

In Kendal, England, an owl flew into a woman's window, leaving the perfect image of the creature on the glass. Local birdwatchers suspect the owl probably got drunk at the Harry Potter premier party and flew off. That's why it's always important to stick with your wingman.

And finally, 22 people were arrested in Turkey this week in connection to a Football (soccer) match-fixing scam. The police became suspicious after some bizarrely high scoring matches. Seriously, 3 - nil? You expect anyone to believe that actually happens in soccer?

Three sports jokes, and only one involved steroids! How about that?

Anyway, that's all you get for now. But there's more later! Tomorrow, in fact! Come see us then.

And have a great day!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - July 11, 2011

Let's do this.

In London, the embattled newspaper News of the World shut down yesterday after 168 years of publishing. This is especially awful for anyone who got stumped on Sunday's crossword puzzle.

In a suburb of Detroit, a woman faces 93 days in jail over a vegetable garden in her front yard. Apparently it goes against the city's strong pro-bleak legislation.

In Dallas, a Rihanna concert had to be cancelled after a fire broke out above the stage. The evacuation was delayed, however, when concert staff misunderstood the chants of "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!"

In New Zealand, a representative for a national business group came under fire last week for linking female worker productivity to menstrual cycles. It was a pretty big deal last week, but for some reason it just doesn't seem that important this week.

Music sales are up this year, leading to speculation that kids today are too stupid to figure out how to use bittorrent.

In California, Prince William and Kate Middleton wrapped up a visit to California with a visit to Santa Monica's skid row and a polo match. Apparently they really like horse.

In international news, the U.S. announced they will be halting approximately $800 million in military aid. Jeez, you hide one mass-murderer...

And lastly, Vinny Guadagnino, AKA "Vinny" of The Jersey Shore, returned to the show's beach house this weekend after earlier quitting the series. So, they're all back? Great, go ahead and board it up, guys. Hurry, before they run out of mixers!

Okay, that's all for today. Let's do this again tomorrow, what do you say?

Till then, have a great day!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Again?

Another week has come and gone, but this week I've been listening to "Buddhism for Beginners" on my commute to work. So, I feel I'm more in the moment, more content. I'll sit at work and meditate on this life I've been given and what to do with it. My boss just thinks I'm sitting around doing nothing, if he only knew! Let's be one with the jokes.

Jay Leno is not one with the jokes, hours after the "not guilty" verdict in the Casey Anthony trial, Jay Leno told a joke about the trial that got zero response. It completely fell flat, leaving him awkwardly repeating the joke. This will be added to the evidence that Jay Leno is not funny. As long as the trial isn't in Florida, I think we should win this.

Speaking of Casey Anthony, in America you are innocent until proven guilty... or apparently until Nancy Grace spends 3 years telling America you're guilty. Don't piss that woman off.

Angelina Jolie and Sarah Jessica Parker have tied as this years, "highest paid actress's". But in fairness, Sarah Jessica Parker made most of her money placing in the Kentucky Derby... she looks like a horse people.

Comedy Central is airing the Charlie Sheen roast the same day as Ashton Kutcher's 'Two and a Half Men' debut. America can now watch a man who knows his career is a joke get roasted, and then watch Ashton pretend his career isn't.

Harry Potter star Daniel Ratcliff recently admitted that he became reliant on alcohol to help him, "deal with the fame." Really Daniel? I think you probably drank knowing that the "fame" was almost over.

In other film news, Twilight's Kristen Stewart is going to be playing the role of Snow White in what is set to be a trilogy of the fairy tale. If the director has seen her act before, hopefully she'll be asleep until the end of the last film.

Well folks, that's it for me. Enjoy each moment on your way to Nirvana.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 7, 2011

Happy Thursday, sports fans! You all like sports, right? I hope so.

Speaking of sports, Cowboys receiver Roy Williams is suing his ex-girlfriend to get back the engagement ring he gave her. These days, that's the only way a Cowboy can get a ring.

And Roger Clemens' perjury trial got underway for statements he made about his steroid use. When asked for comment, Clemens said "Clemens mad! SO MAD!" before eating a camera.

In international sports news, the International Olympic Committee voted yesterday on the location of the 2018 Winter Olympics. To put it into Olympics terms, it was the Competitive Bribery event.

Pop singer Jordin Sparks will sing the National Anthem at this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. She's been preparing all week with a strict steroid regimen.

Elsewhere in baseball, Derek Jeter is nearing the 3000 hit mark. Former baseball legend and prodigious hitter Pete Rose said, "I bet he can do it. D'oh! That's not what I meant... Oh, never mind."

In football news, Brett Favre said he may be returning to football next season, leading to speculation that he has amnesia. And, he knows about the lockout, right?

Speaking of lockouts, both the NFL and NBA are facing lockouts for next season, which is great news for the college funds of the children of gambling addicts. Just kidding! They don't have college funds.

And lastly, in news of the insane, anticipation is high in Spain for this year's running of the bulls. Participants have been training by taunting Roger Clemens and Jordin Sparks.

Well, that's all for me this week, but I'll see you again on Monday. Spencer is in tomorrow, so stop by for his funny business. And have a great day!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2011

Welcome to Wednesday. You know, if someone built a bar and called it "Wednesday," and someone burned that bar down late one night when no one was around, I think I'd be okay with that. Anyway, let's all make fun of the "real" world.

The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"

Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.

A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.

Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.

In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!

An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.

In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.

And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."

Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!

See you tomorrow, and have a great day!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2011

Back to work, everybody. That includes you, Steve. And it includes me. Here are some more jokes.

In London this week, a life-size statue of President Ronald Reagan was unveiled in front of the U.S. Embassy. Strangely, the statue is actually crying, because it was built with taxpayer funds.

In Venezuela, Dear Leader Hugo Chavez vowed to fight his cancer like he's fought against the U.S.A.: with insane conspiracy theories.

In Mexico, a founding member of the Zetas drug cartel was arrested this week. They'll probably replace him, but it's never quite the same after you break up the original lineup. Just ask Menudo.

In North Ireland, a study found that residents spend over $800,000 on prostitution every week. Seems like the Greek bailout should involve a hooker-exchange program, right?

In Germany, Otto von Habsburg, the last living heir to the Austro-Hungarian empire and the fanciest instance of inbreeding in modern history, died at the tender age 98. Since he died of natural causes, I wonder who gets his cards? That's a RISK! joke. My apologies to people who played outside when they were kids.

In Michigan, an inmate sued the state over its ban on pornography in prison, claiming that it is cruel and unusual punishment. At least they're not making him watch "Two Girls, One Cup." DON'T GOOGLE THAT!

The Federal Aviation Administration recently gave permission to air traffic controllers to skip work if they're too tired to stay awake. This is fantastic news for people who like to avoid mid-air collisions. Come to think of it, maybe this is why the Reagan statue is crying. Because he fought the air traffic controllers union. Get it? It's history! Oh, forget it. Next up is a joke about a monkey.

Lastly, an escaped baboon was captured after leading authorities on a wild chase through the town of Howell, New Jersey. Look for the telegenic, outgoing primate to replace whats-his-name on The Jersey Shore if contract negotiations don't pan out.

Well, that's all for now. I do hope you're getting enough sleep, everybody. Yes, even you, Steve. Have a great day, and we'll see you tomorrow!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - July 4, 2011

Happy Fourth of July, everyone! I hope you've got the day off, just like our founders wanted. While you enjoy your day, here's some jokes!

Speaking of American political history, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain lost several staffers last week. The sad thing is he'll never know they left, as their resignation letters were more than three pages long.

In South American political news, Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez was diagnosed with cancer, which has actually led to increased support among his people. In a related story, Libya's Colonel Qaddafi has taken up sunbathing and started using a cell phone from 1989.

Speaking of Qaddafi, word came last week that the African Union is disregarding the arrest warrant issued for the Libyan leader. So, I guess that means they probably won't be paying their parking tickets, either.

Speaking of parking, the cost of fuel in Canada is rising to all-time highs this summer, which is driving up the cost of living across the country. It's so bad, that now they're having to use off-brand Kraft in their disgusting poutine dinners.

In movie news, the Internet is abuzz with rumors that Transformers 3 uses footage from a previous movie, which is shocking, considering how original the rest of the concept is.

In Texas, a man wrongfully convicted of murder was awarded a settlement of $1.4 million after spending nearly two decades in prison. Not only is the story a frightening warning about our judicial system, it's also the inspiration for a new reality show on FOX this fall.

In automotive news, Toyota is recalling another 82,200 cars. A statement from the company said "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T USE THE CUPHOLDERS!"

And finally today, Google is in talks to buy the television and movie-streaming website Hulu, in part of their ongoing efforts to make sure no one gets anything done at work ever again. Keep it up!

Okay, that's all for now! Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Walk of Shame

Happy Friday friends. It's my favorite day of the week. Where spinning your wheels is totally acceptable.

An asteroid the size of a tour bus flew past Earth on June 27. It was so close, it was beneath some of the planet's satellites. We have a black President, an asteroid hurtling toward Earth; Hollywood, now is the time to make a movie using this scenario!

A man in Connecticut broke into a home because, "God told him to do it." Unfortunately, the police and resident hate God and arrested him and pressed charges.

Speaking of God and his retributive justice, a new study shows that men have a biological clock as well. Both dwarfism, Marfan syndrome, Apert syndrome is a mutation caused exclusively by advanced paternal age. In a related story, Larry King is about to debut his own circus.

Charlie Sheen is single after his last "Goddess" left him. Sheen has lost his job, his girls and his kids. If only that asteroid were a bit closer to Earths gravitational pull...

Mother nature doesn't like men, go figure. Between 1995 and 2008, lightning killed 648 people, and of those, 82 percent were male, according to So there ya go. Women get to vote, keep the house AND survive the wrath of mother nature. The only thing that makes me feel better is that we can make you carry genetically deficient children.

Do I still have to pay back my student loans? "College prices have been going up faster than any others costs in the American economy, faster even than healthcare and certainly faster than inflation and family income," said Patrick Callan, Founder of the National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education. So, you're going to be poor regardless. Have fun out there kids.

The Arizona Capitol has been dealing with an influx of rats. No word yet on if the infestation was caused by nearby storm sewer construction or the last election.

That's it for me. Have a happy and safe 4th. AMERICA!