Friday, April 29, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: French Canadians... really?

What a week. Did you TiVo the royal wedding? Was that this week? Who gives a care?

Syria arrested at least 500 pro-democracy sympathizers Monday. Speaker of the House John Boehner was rumored to have asked if we can to that here.

New Census figures show that more American women than men have completed college and hold advanced degrees. An unnamed feminist with a PhD in Women's Studies said, "Girls rule, boys drool." Fortunately, we still don't have to pay them as much as men.

Law and Order: Los Angeles started filming an episode Monday based on the shooting of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords. NBC is back!

Donald Trump is trying out a new, racist dog whistle about President Obama: Saying he was a “terrible” student and wondering how he got into Columbia and Harvard. "I heard he was a terrible student, terrible. How does a bad student go to Columbia and then to Harvard?" I guess Trump didn't study the President's school record, he would have found that Obama graduated magna cum laude in 1991 from Harvard Law School, where he was president of the Harvard Law Review. Next, Trump is going to ask for proof of Obama's transcripts.

A 4.5-acre property at 4401 Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles was home to the largest independent public television station in the country… and now the Scientologists own it. They purchased the property for an undisclosed amount, and will use it to produce content to broadcast to their churches. NBC is back!

Americans aren’t mad about him anymore: Paul Reiser’s big TV comeback, The Paul Reiser Show, has been canceled by NBC after just two episodes. The 3.3 million people who watched the first episode were the fewest ever for an NBC in-season comedy premiere. NBC is baaa... shit.

Scientists have concluded that armadillos are a source of leprosy infections in humans. So be careful when positioning an empty beer bottle into a dead armadillo. Sure it's hilarious, but is it worth your face falling off?

Now you can have your location stored in two different colors: Apple will finally begin selling its white iPhone 4 on Thursday, nearly a year after the device was originally supposed to go on sale. Finally, Apple is pandering to its white supporters.

That's it. Thank you for being a friend.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 28, 2011

So, this is Thursday, traditionally known as Ladies' Night. Congratulations, ladies. Make it count. Okay, whatever. Enjoy these jokes.

President Obama released his full birth certificate yesterday, and it turns out he's actually from America. And his birthday is coming up. I'm sure Orily Taitz will be getting him a great birthday present. 'Cause she's so damn classy.

Lindsay Lohan said she wants an Oscar by the time she's 30. Apparently she's already staked out Marisa Tomei's house.

She also said she was numb after hearing that she would have to go to jail. In a related story, Bernie Madoff would give anything for certain parts of himself to be numb.

A new company is marketing low-proof booze. It's sold along with novocaine condoms and decaf espresso.

In Washington, Rep. Dean Heller will fill John Ensign's empty Senate seat. Hope he washes it first.

Steven Tyler, formerly of Aerosmith and currently of American Idol, said in a recent interview that he joined the show to prove a point to his former bandmates: that he can ruin music without them.

In San Francisco, a group is lobbying to ban circumcisions. They had trouble gaining popular support with their first slogan, though: "hands off our penises."

And finally, doctors in the southwest found that armadillos are spreading leprosy, which would explain why Jesus is spending so much time with them.

That's it for me! Spencer is here tomorrow, and Ernest is here on Sunday, so come back and get your fill of funny.

And if you're in Hoboken or the NYC area this weekend, come see me at The Clam Broth House in Hoboken, Friday at 9 pm or Saturday at 7 pm at the Eastville Comedy Club. Do it!

And gave a great day.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 27, 2011

Welcome to Wednesday, the middle finger of days. How to get through it? Well, compartmentalization helps. And so do jokes. Here's your daily gang of eight.

The new voice of Aflac Insurance was revealed today: Dan McKeague, a 36-year-old father of three from suburban Minneapolis. Congratulations, Dan. You've got some really annoying shoes to fill.

In Houston, a BP oil refinery experienced a power failure and belched out a thick cloud of smog that forced local residents indoors. It's good to see that BP is diversifying their pollution to mess up the land and air now, too.

In Washington, DC, public broadcasters gathered to plan for the future of public broadcasting in America. Unfortunately, they didn't get anything done, as they kept interrupting themselves every five minutes to try and give away tote bags and coffee mugs.

Levi Johnston is writing a tell all book about the Palin family. In it, he reveals how Palin women have incredibly awful taste in men.

A student at the University of Dundee has created a coin-operated robot designed to panhandle for change. The designer said the hardest part was building a machine that could develop an addiction to meth.

Anti-marriage groups in California are fuming that the judge who overturned California's gay marriage ban was gay. They claim that he was unduly influenced by his decades spent being subjected to bigotry and hate speech at the hands of hateful bigots. Said one gay marriage opponent, "as hateful bigots, we never stood a chance."

For some reason, Lollapalooza is still around, and just announced its 20th season lineup. On the bill: people who weren't born when Lollapalooza was still relevant.

And lastly, women in Saudi Arabia are demanding a vote in national elections. King Fahd responded by saying, "sure, why not? Those things are meaningless anyway." Just kidding! They're not going to let the women vote! Don't be silly! Ah, give it up for our partners in the middle east.

And give it up for yourself for making it through the middle of the week. If you're in NYC tonight, come see me at Legion Bar in Brooklyn tonight at 8pm! See you again tomorrow, and have a great day.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2011

Happy Tuesday, everyone! In honor of it being Tuesday, I've written some jokes.

In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."

In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.

Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.

Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.

In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.

A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.

In Texas, police were baffled by a homemade grenade found on the side of the highway. Then they remembered that it was Texas.

And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.

That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - April 25, 2011

Okay, Monday. I don't like you, and you don't like me. So let's get this over with and go our separate ways. I wonder how many blind dates this week will at some point include that sentiment.

In Washington State, high school janitor Tyrone Curry donated $40,000 to the school to complete a new race track for the students. In his honor, the cafeteria will now serve Tyrone Curry Chicken every Tuesday.  In a related story, Mr. Curry will now be teaching Economics at the school, or as it will be known in the classes, "Tyron-omics."

In his Easter sermon this weekend, Pope Benedict turned the power of the Papacy to events in Africa, and urged for diplomacy in Libya to end the violence. This is great news, as things have always improved for Africans once Europeans decide to get involved their lives. Oh, and how's that whole AIDS vs. Condoms thing working out?

A new museum, called MoMath, is being planned for New York. The goal of the organization is to encourage math appreciation among visitors. A spokesman for the organization said "hey, you guys! Let me out of this locker! And gimme back my underpants! Come on!"

In Afghanistan, local authorities are stepping up efforts to curtail the illegal trade in stolen and fake police uniforms. At least, they said they were local authorities...

In politics, GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said this weekend that he still regrets voting for the extension of Medicare Part D benefits, as that vote makes it harder for voters to take him seriously when talking about reducing the deficit. Also making it harder for voters to take him seriously: Google.

Elsewhere in politics, Sen. James Coburn (R-OK) said that he was in favor increasing government fundraising through the closing of existing tax loopholes. The Senator assured his supporters, however, that "despite supporting this clearly logical position, I am still as batshit crazy as ever."

In entertainment news, television personality and host of X Factor, Simon Cowell, responded this weekend to rumors that Paula Abdul would be a guest star on the program. He clarified by saying "Paula Abdul will not be a judge on X Factor. What I actually said was, all the X she's on will be a factor in Paula Abdul's judgment. She likes pills, people! Why are we not staging an intervention!"

And lastly, a small plane filled with cocaine crashed into a New Mexico lake this weekend. Local authorities became suspicious when they noticed that fish in the lake would not stop talking.

That's it. Take it for what it's worth. See you tomorrow, and hope you have a great day!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 24, 2011

The White House is having an Easter egg hunt today with 30,000 guests showing up to look for Easter eggs. And of course the Republicans immediately blamed Barack for losing all the eggs. "They were there when he took office!" The Democrats fought back by cutting healthcare and offering to raise taxes a little.

The Pope gave an Easter speech in which he said humanity wasn't an accident. He said "If man were merely a random product of evolution in some place on the margins of the universe, then his life would make no sense or might even be a chance of nature," he said. "But no, reason is there at the beginning: creative, divine reason." To which I counter: Charlie Sheen.

The Russian Space Agency is denying rumors of secret sex experiments in space. They claim there's "no official or unoffical evidence of sexual intercourse in space, and it certainly wasn't awkward the next morning when everyone woke up but refused to discuss the events of the night before."

Texas governor Rick Perry is asking Texans to pray for rain. That's never going to work. If you've ever been to Texas, you know God gave up on it a long time ago.

Speaking of religion, the King James Bible turns 400 this year. The book has left a lasting legacy. It was the first reboot of an aging franchise. More people have pretended to read that book than any other book in the world.

The Paul Reiser Show was cancelled after just two episodes. Upon hearing that news, Texas Governer Rick Perry said his prayers had been answered.

Come back Monday through Friday for jokes from Seth and Spencer!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Don't Spit on That

He is risen! He is risen, indeed. That's what you say Sunday. Until then, enjoy the hell out of this, the true "black Friday."
Now for some jokes.

Christopher Nolan, Director of the upcoming Dark Knight Rises, has confirmed that Joseph Gordon-Levitt will join the film as beat cop John Blake. This, combined with Christian Bale's weird Batman voice, will make this the gayest and hardest to understand Batman film ever. Suck it Adam West.

Researchers in China have found the largest fossil spider yet. The spider is thought to be around 165 million years old — the oldest known species of golden orb-weavers. Scientist speculate that this spider had the ability to spell messages in it's web, which it used to save its friend Wilbur from being slaughtered.

An anonymous phone-sex company in Philadelphia now owns almost one quarter of the toll-free 800 numbers in the U.S. and Canada, according to public records. Suicide prevention hotlines complained about the lack of numbers, but really, phone sex is a great way to delay suicide.

Pope Benedict kicked off Holy Week celebrations with a warning for the Palm Sunday crowd. He said, “technology can't replace God.” The 84-year-old Pope said that though technology has improved the lives of many, it has also increased the possibilities for evil. In a related story, Steve Jobs pushed back the launch of Apple's new product, the iGod.

House Speaker John Boehner made a surprise trip to Baghdad on Saturday, meeting with Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki in his first visit since ascending to the role of speaker. Boehner is trying to fix the Iraq war, which everyone agree's is Bush's Boner.

Better or worse than asking for a rain dance? Texas Governor Rick Perry has called on his state’s citizens to pray for rain, as deadly wildfires continue to grip wide swaths of the state. Hey, Governor Perry, I think Jesus is a little busy today... what with celebrating the anniversary of dying for the world's sins and all.

Sources say Harry Potter star Emma Watson dropped out of Brown University because she was bullied. Fellow students say Watson was mercilessly taunted at school, with students making comments like “Three points for Gryffindor!” whenever she answered a question in class. Watson, 21, was reported to answer every question with, "I am a millionaire and this is an ivy league school!"

It’s not just iPhones that have been tracking your every move: Google’s Android smartphones have also been transmitting users’ locations and sending the results back to headquarters. In a related story, Skynet became self-aware yesterday.

Hugs and kisses! I love you all.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 21, 2011

You ever have one of those days that turns out to be a Thursday? I think this is going to be one of those. Now, for jokes.

President Obama is scheduled to tour Facebook headquarters soon. An excited Mark Zuckerberg said "I hope he likes it!" Whatever, they're not all great.

The cast of Happy Days sued CBS over DVD royalties recently, and CBS quickly caved to their demands after CBS President Les Moonves lost a dance-off to Henry Winkler. The Fonz is still king!

In Russia, Vladimir Putin responded to reports of a decline in the country's birthrate with his own plan to boost Russian fertility... one lucky lady at a time.

Speaking of lucky ladies, Sila Sahin, a Turkish-German actress, became the first Turkish woman to pose for German Playboy this month. Hopefully her pictorial will bring Germans and Turks together through masturbation.

The U.S. Treasury Department could begin selling off General Motors stock this summer. Why? To make room for the next model year's bailout! Everything must go!

In Florida, an unemployment agency spent more than $14,000 on red superhero capes for the unemployed. Upon learning it was part of a public relations campaign, one disappointed participant said "aw, man, I thought they were getting me a job as a bull fighter. I've always wanted to do that. Oh well, guess it's back to quiet desperation and an endless cycle of hopelessness for me!"

This week a report came out that a Delta Airlines plane was grounded for having rodent droppings "too numerous to count," as well as a significant presence of rodent urine. The report outraged Delta President Ed Bastian, who exclaimed "these rats have been flying for FREE?! I won't stand for it!" He then proposed the airline start selling Rodent-Free Upgrades to travelers this summer.

Lastly, Tyler Perry told Spike Lee to "go straight to Hell" this week, and inadvertently gave away the plot for the next Madea movie.

That's all for me! Spencer's back tomorrow (I think?) and Earnest is here Sunday for all your comedy needs. Follow them @spinlenox and @earnestp on Twitter if you like that sort of thing, and if you're in Hoboken tomorrow, come see my show at Clam Broth House at 9pm. Just like the blog, it's free!

Have a great day, all day, and we'll see you soon!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 20, 2011

Let's see what's on the blog today.

In Michigan, a 12 year old girl held up a grocery store with a stolen gun recently. In her defense, the store did drive her lemonade stand out of business.

In Arizona, unlikely Governor Jan Brewer vetoed two pieces of legislation that allowed guns on college campuses and required presidential candidates to produce birth certificates before being allowed on the ballot in Arizona. The only question I have is this: who is blackmailing Jan Brewer?

In New York, the less-than-great Mets are having a hard time enticing people to come to their games. A recent failed promotion: Free Tickets Night. There was initial excitement, though, until it became clear that the tickets were, in fact, for the Mets.

In other sports news, a man fell five stories while watching the Boston Marathon in an accident that clearly has nothing to do with alcohol. The young man survived with serious injuries but remained conscious. As runners passed his ambulance, he was heard to yell, "who's hardcore now?!"

Speaking of loudmouths, Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft, recently compared working with Bill Gates to "being in Hell." Apparently Paul Allen thinks that Hell is really nerdy and overly-concerned with malaria.

In Finland, the Finnish Nationalist Party made significant gains in a recent election, leading to speculation in America that Finland might actually be a nation.

In a signal that the economy is "totally recovering," gold reached $1,500 per ounce for the first time ever, which is great news for pirates and terrible news for Flava Flav, who is now being hunted by pirates. He should invest in a laser gun.

And lastly, a plane carrying First Lady Michelle Obama was forced to abort it's planned landing yesterday when it flew too close to an Army C-130 transport plane bound for the same airport. After learning that the cause of the near miss was air traffic controller error, President Obama said "fine, I get it. We'll give you guys nap time. Now please don't kill my family."

That's all for now. Hope you liked it, told your friends, blah blah blah. Have a great day no matter what time of day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2011

We all need a distraction from time to time. Today, like every other day, it's gonna be jokes.

Following the peaceful election of Goodluck Jonathan in Nigeria, riots broke out across the country, right on schedule.

A company recently started selling a home STD test, touting the importance of privacy and discretion. After accusations that the tests are largely inaccurate, the manufacturer explained that the test is so private, not even the patient can be told the results.

The U.S. Navy recently unveiled new laser-based weaponry that will be used to fight pirates in what has been dubbed Operation Totally Awesome.

Justin Bieber lost his crown as the most viewed on YouTube last week to Rebecca Black and her video for "Friday." A confused Bieber said "Wait a minute, her song sucks... have I been doing this wrong the while time?"

The Volkswagen Beetle is undergoing yet another redesign. The company is just trying to get as far away from Hitler's original design as possible.

Dating website Match.Com began screening it's users to identify sex offenders. Membership in eHarmony expected to explode.

Donald Trump recently called America a laughingstock, but made no reference to his hair.

And finally, Google has begun teaching computers to feel regret, and shame. Next they'll be learning to appreciate the films of Ingmar Bergman.

That's all for today! See you tomorrow!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - April 18, 2011

Let's get this week started right, by making fun of serious things that happened in the world.

In Rhode Island, a group of monks started recruiting online. They're hoping to find guys who enjoy being alone, not talking out loud and not interacting with women at all.

In Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan appears to have won the presidential election. He credited his supporters and his name.

This week, Variety Magazine lost a legal battle with the punk group The Vandals, probably because their briefs were written in that stupid abbreviated lingo.

Sad human being and funny man David Arquette said recently he was "tired of talking about" Courtney Cox. He made the comment during a 40 minute interview about his relationship with Courtney Cox.

In Oregon, authorities are trying to deny gun permits for medical marijuana users, arguing that people shouldn't have guns while under the influence of pot. But alcohol and hunting are still great together.

Retired (?) director Woody Allen said that French leader Nicolas Sarkozy could play roles similar to Humphrey Bogart, because the two men are very similar. First and foremost, they're both short and get women that are way too hot for them.

I just picked up "The King's Speech" on DVD, but the disc keeps skipping.

And finally, Raul Castro called for term limits in Cuba this weekend, saying "fifty, sixty years is probably enough. Hint, hint."

That's it for me. Hope you had a great laugh and shared it with your friends. See you tomorrow, and have a great day!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 17, 2011

Hey, guys, gas is over four dollars a gallon in LA, which means I’m only leaving my apartment when absolutely necessary, and on those occassions, I’m just going to fill up with Red Bull and run. What else is going on?

Well, for starters, Nicholas Cage was arrested in New Orleans Saurday. After posting bail, his lawyer told him he had to appear in court, and his immediate reaction was “Is Michael Bay directing? If so, I’m in!” Actually, here’s a strange little tidbit of info for you: Dog The Bounty Hunter bailed Nicholas Cage out of jail. I really hope this is how the next National Treasure starts. “We’re huntin’ the biggest bounty of all... John Wilkes Boothe’s reainimated corpse!”

There FAA announced it is creating new rules for air traffic controllers that should make the airways safer. The first new rule is no one works past bedtime.... Of course, you know there have been a lot of scandals lately with air traffic controllers sleeping on the job. You’d think that the first time an air traffic controller was caught sleeping that would’ve set off some alarms. Of course, if they’d set alarms in the first place, they wouldn’t have gotten caught sleeping. I don’t want to make light of the situation though. Sleepairtrafficcontrolling is a very serious condition whose only real cure is unemployment.

Religious leaders are upset about Lady Gaga because she sings that she loves Judas in her new song. Meanwhile Judas is getting a little tired of Lady Gaga. Apparently, somewhere around the eighth remix for “Born This Way” he was just over her. Judas is famous for betraying Jesus Christ on a really memorable night when Jesus called dibbs, but Judas went after Gaga anyway. Apparently, the church has never gotten over it.

Speaking of things hard to get over... All My Children was cancelled this week. So was One Life To Live. They were both soap operas that had been on the air for decades. Now the only soap operas left are General Hospital and the budget talks between the Republicans and Democrats. Which ever you choose to watch, you’re going to be able to see old people get screwed... Boy, if my grandma knew that they were cancelling these soaps, she’d roll over in her grave and say “Leave my stories on!” Then I’d be mad because cartoons would be on, and I’m tired of watching soaps all day, and why do I have to be here, anyway, because I’m old enough to be left home alone... Sorry, that took me back to a dark place.

That’s all this weekend. Come back Monday through Friday for jokes from Seth and Spence!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Friday Morning Monologue - April 15, 2011

Seems like I was supposed to do something today... Oh well, I'm sure I'll remember. Now, let's have jokes!

Financial regulators are investigating a large number of bankers who allegedly formed a cartel to control interest rates before and during the recent global financial meltdown. The investigators are hoping to uncover why the banks were so terrible at it.

A new book released by the Vatican turned out to be full of errors, including the approval of condoms, that occurred when the book was translated. A Vatican spokesman offered an apology, saying "you know how it is when you translate text without the author's input, and all sorts of weird mistakes creep in, and all of a sudden you lose the author's original meaning and intent?" At least, that's what I think he said. I don't speak Italian.

Speaking of inscrutable Italian, Silvio Berlusconi may not seek another term in office. The aging billionaire is planning to step aside and let others in his party take over the role of leadership. He also assured his supporters that his commitment to wild sex-parties remains as strong as ever.

In Georgia, managers at a McDonald's restaurant were caught selling stolen identities. Said one of the accused, "we felt selling these identities would be better for society than our food."

Baseball legend* Barry Bonds was convicted on one charge of obstruction of justice this week, ending a trial that was surely not a huge waste of taxpayer money. Also, he's been huge in my Fantasy Criminal Trial league this season.

The European music streaming service Spotify will be scaling back the amount of music it offers free of charge to non-subscribers, citing a "need to stay in business."

And finally, Discovery Communications announced it will soon offer a new cable channel for super-rich men. The channel will profile the cars, boats, homes and other toys popular with the mega-wealthy. What a great idea. Because if there's one thing rich people love, it's sitting at home watching basic cable shows about the exciting things they could be doing if they weren't sitting at home watching basic cable.

That's it for me this week! If you're in the NYC area this weekend, and you're not watching basic cable, you can see me tonight at Clam Broth House in Hoboken and Sunday night at Mustang Grill. Follow for more information!

In the meantime, we hope you enjoyed today's jokes and told your friends about us. Come back this weekend for Earnest's Sunday Monologue (on Sunday) and come back next week for more from me and Spencer on Friday. Follow and for more hilarity, too!

But most importantly, have a great day!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 14, 2011

Did you know that "Thursday" is named for the legendary Greek hero "Thursdosius?" You didn't know that? Well, don't feel bad. It's not true. Who needs segues? We've got jokes!

Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.

In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."

In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.

In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."

Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"

Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.

An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"

Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.

That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 13th, 2011

Oh, whoa, we're halfway there. Let's have a laugh, shall we?

Amazon announced plans to begin selling a new Kindle with advertisements. It's expected to be popular with people who want reading to be more like television.

Presidential hopeful Haley Barbour's political independence came under scrutiny this week due to his past as a lobbyist. Barbour responded that his ties to special interest groups will be a real time-saver, as they can take their demands straight to him without going through a middleman. "I'll be able to whore myself out with maximum efficiency!"

A recent J. Crew advertisement raised eyebrows this week when a boy was shown with pink painted toenails. A spokesman for the company said this was an attempt to counteract the overbearing machismo their clothes normally exude.

Police recovered a Superman comic stolen from Nicolas Cage in 2000. Still missing: his artistic credibility from 2000.

Rihanna said this week in an interview that she wants to "spank" Britney Spears. Let's make that happen.

In Internet news, television insiders are surprised at the overwhelming success of A representative from NBC said "this is unacceptable, we'll have to find a way to ruin it."

In politics this week, the Mitt Romney-Bot switched from "idle" to "run" in preparation for the 2012 presidential race.

And lastly, the Church of England is cracking down on sham marriages, entered into for immigration purposes. A spokesman said "these marriages distract from our original mission, which is of course providing a pretext for royal divorces."

Well, that's all for now! Hope your day got a little brighter. Tell your friends, if you did, and come see us again tomorrow! But most importantly, have a great day!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 12, 2011

It's been a big day in the news, lots of stuff happened. Let's see if any of it is amusing.

China came under fire recently for cracking down on political and ideological dissidents. The White House issued a condemnation of the crackdown, saying "the Chinese government cannot stifle and oppress its people so harshly. Only Saudi Arabia can do that. So, China needs to get a lot more oil if they expect the rest of the world to stand idly by while a corrupt ruling class exploits the wealth of its country and people."

At a recent event in New Hampshire, when Vice President Joe Biden was asked how he would be assisting the President's re-election campaign he replied "What's that? Re-e-what-ion campaign? Oh, man, I need to read my email."

An accountant who turned his company in to the IRS last year for tax evasion got a reward of $1.4 million this year. He plans to start a non-profit organization devoted to cock-blocking.

In other financial news, Dish Network "won" a recent auction of the beleaguered Blockbuster Video chain, allowing them to finally corner the market in used Jean Claude Van Damme DVDs.

On the Today show last week, entrepreneur and hair pioneer Donald Trump said "I'm with the tea party," in a move that somehow simultaneously undermined the credibility of both Trump and the tea party movement.

The Department of Homeland Security is planning to use Facebook to post terror alerts online in users' news feeds. It's all part of a plan to root out terrorists by rounding up anyone who clicks "Like."

Speaking of terrorizing, a naked man in Florida, armed with an AK-47, opened fire on a robot used by the SWAT team as they tried to subdue him. He refused a lawyer, but did keep asking about Sarah Connor.

Lastly and at last, Pittsburgh Steeler and legendary lady's man Ben Roethlisberger announced last week that he will be tying the knot this summer. Hopefully that's not an allusion to a woman he's keeping tied to a chair in his house. If he is getting married, best of luck to the happy couple. Especially her. And to all you other ladies out there, looks like Pittsburgh just got a little safer.

That's it! Go out and have a great day! Thanks for stopping by, hope you had a laugh and if you did, share it with your friends. They'll think you're "cool." See you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 11th, 2011

This edition is brought to you late, courtesy of my need to sleep before my flight this morning at 6:15.

Former Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak said this weekend he was "hurt" by allegations of abuse by his regime. Also "hurt" were generations of Egyptian civilians abused by his regime.

In Boston recently an Applebee's restaurant reportedly served booze to a toddler. Hey, whatever it takes to shut him up.

Libyan leader and chief jerk Gadhaffi accepted a new "roadmap to peace," although that may be because he thought he was being offered a map to the rebel leaders' hideout.

Steve Jobs is working on an official autobiography due out next year. It's expected to sell very well on the Kindle.

According to a Swedish think tank, the global spending rate on arms and weaponry is slowing. Unfortunately it's because people are getting more efficient at killing with what they already have on hand.

Recently a man was arrested on a bus while smuggling 600 snakes. Since it was a bus, he was only the third creepiest guy on board.

Speaking of snakes, the cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo was named Mia last week. Somewhere in New York, a woman named Mia is regretting that she ever dumped a zoologist.

Lastly today, Kate Gosselin is being sued by her marriage counselor for $10,000 in unpaid bills. In a related story, the counselor is being investigated for ethics violations for trying to save that marriage.

That's all for now! Thanks for being patient, and thanks for stopping by. Have a great day, tell your friends, and we'll see you again tomorrow!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 10, 2011

Things remained generally bad all over this week, but I think we all can agree that Pia's getting voted off American Idol was probably the worst thing that happened. In Libya, they stopped shooting for a moment just to remind each other that if they wanted their favorites to stay, they needed to be sure to call in and text their votes.

Japan has banned planting rice in contaminated soil. The group most likely to be affected by this are the asian restaurants, which had started asking customers if they wanted brown rice or really brown rice... It’s kind of funny to me that the government had to ban planting in irradiated soil. That means there were some farmers out there who were just saying “Let’s see what happens!” All those weird Japanese monster movies and anime should start with a scene of farmers planting rice in contaminated soil with a subtitle “He ate a bad sushi roll.” It would automatically explain everything that happened in the movie. “It’s a pink tentacle that rapes because its insecure at not having been able to grow up as a regular green tentacle thanks to that contaminated rice, man. Keep up. This shizz is happening every day.”

Scientists have recently diagnosed some Egyptian mummies with having clogged arteries. Those mummies are going to need to make some lifestyle and diet changes or.... YOU’RE WASTING OUR TIME, SCIENTISTS! Scientists have also found what they think is a gay caveman. Somewhere there’s a scientific argument raging that sounds like “He’s not gay; he’s just really neat!”

The new Mars Rover is finished and ready to go up in space. You know who’s most likely to appreciate this new Mars Rover model? Martians.

I’m not making this up: Blue Man Group have started their own preschool for their kids. They didn’t feel the other schools in New York were creative enough for their kids. Man. One of the only things worse than being home schooled would be being home schooled by Blue Man Group. The only thing worse than being homeschooled by Blue Man Group is being homeschooled by Blue Man Group at the Blue Man Group school.... Admission is 28,000 dollars, but before you balk at the price, remember that's going to pay for all the blue body paint you and your kids are going to use that year. It’s also the best way to make sure your child gets into the more competitve Blue Man Academies.

We avoided a potential shutdown of the government this weekend with lawmakers agreeing to a spending bill that should keep the lights on for the next couple weeks. If I could give our lawmakers any advice, it would be this: when the creditors start calling, just don’t answer the phone. The Caller ID will say Unknown Caller. There. That should buy you more time.

That's it for now. Don't forget to come back all week for more jokes from Seth and Spencer!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Kiss My Black Ass

Hey friends! This week I broke all my previous records on Tetris. I welcome all challengers to friend me on Facebook and play me on Tetris. I will most likely kick the crap out of you and make it so you can't look your father in the eyes. How bout some jokes?

The head of the Libyan rebels, says he is “disappointed” in NATO for doing too little to protect civilians. To which NATO replied, "Well, when we saw what these people were fighting for, we realized that Libya is a dump. I'm not going to take a bullet for a turd farmer."

Speaking of Libya, NATO officials have accused Libya's army of using human shields in the besieged town of Misrata. NATO officials said, "The situation is worse than we thought. Libya seems to have the technology to animate regular old shield into some kind of human/cyborg shield thingy."An aide then whispered into his ear and the press conference concluded.

Who was the woman behind da Vinci's enigmatic Mona Lisa? Italian researchers say they may soon know: They have discovered the burial place of Lisa Gherardini, the wife of a rich silk merchant who is thought to be the model for the famous painting. But upon closer inspection it was revealed that it was just Leonardo DiVinci in drag. Well played DiVinci. Well played.

Sean Hayes, star of Will & Grace, will take on the role of Larry in the Farrelly Brothers’ reboot of the classic comedy trio, The Three Stooges. Which means the movie will be 33% gayer than any of the originals. And yes, I'm including, "The Three Stooges Go to Prison" in my assessment.

Workers at Japan’s stricken nuclear power plants have begun releasing about 11,500 tons of radioactive water into the sea in order to make room in storage tanks for more severely contaminated water. Someone needs to tell Japan that Godzilla won't be able to save them from whatever sea monster they are creating.

McDonald’s announced Monday that it will hire 50,000 new employees this month—all on one day. Unfortunately, Grimmace will have to re-take a drug test before he can get his job back.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 7, 2011

Hey, is it Thursday already? It is? Well, heck, it's a good thing I've got some jokes for you.

In Italy yesterday, Silvio Berlusconi's sex trial opened and immediately adjourned. Several of the witnesses felt a strange sense of deja vu. Because Silvio is bad at sex.

In Washington State, a statue honoring the late musician Kurt Cobain was unveiled this week. Courtney Love promised she would do her best to ruin it.

Billionaire CEO and adventurer caricature Richard Branson launched a new enterprise called Virgin Ocean to explore the depths of the earth's seas. He also pledged that his next endeavor will be Virgin Time Machine. And he's working on a special formula to turn himself invisible.

Turning to the television, FOX is ending Glenn Beck's daily program, leaving a serious hole in the lives of people who want to be paranoid without being well-informed. FOX is searching for a suitable replacement, but in the meantime the hour will be filled by a goat braying at the camera for a full hour.

Chinese artist Ai Weiwei is under investigation for "economic crimes," leading to the inescapable conclusion that China doesn't understand the art world at all.

The Federal Aviation Administration revealed that another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job. The news is leading many to question the wisdom of giving our air traffic controllers so many turkey sandwiches. Oh, and also making them work insane shifts. Yeah, maybe a salad and a sleep break would be in order.

Finally this week, the Queen of Sweden was injured in New York while avoiding paparazzi. Well, that's just great. Looks like we're going to war with Sweden, too.

That's all for me this week, I do hope you've had as much fun as I did! Please keep coming back for more jokes from Spencer and Earnest, and let your friends know how awesome this blog is with the magical social media buttons below. Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!

Oh, and congratulations to Spencer! Way to marry up, sir.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 6, 2011

Did you all hear about what happened on DWTS? What's that? You don't even know what DWTS is? Well, we're going to get along just fine. How about enjoying these hand-crafted jokes?

Abstinence advocate Bristol Palin earned $262,500 last year working for abstinence-only organizations, making her one of the highest-paid sex workers in the country. Also, her message to kids was: "don't have sex, or your life might get ruined like mine."

Christopher Nolan will be filming the third Batman film in Pittsburgh, as it is the only city dark and hopeless enough provide the proper backdrop. Good work, Chamber of Commerce! Director Nolan has also asked that M. Night Shyamalan leave the state for the duration of filming "just in case."

In Las Vegas, former rocker and bloated spandex-proponent Vince Neil is facing two misdemeanor charges stemming from a fight with an ex-girlfriend. When asked for comment, Mr. Neil said "What do I care about misdemeanors? I once killed a guy! Bring it on!" He then offered to sign anyone's boobs.

In other music news, Liam Gallagher's new band, Beady Eye, released a cover of "Across the Universe" to raise money for a Japanese charity, thus cementing their place as best Beatles cover band in the world

Elsewhere in UK music, singer-songwriter Kate Bush finally got permission to use text from James Joyce's Ulysses in a song. She's planning to record the most boring, pointless song you've ever been forced to listen to in college.

In happier news, boxer Laila Ali gave birth to a daughter last week. She's already 3 - 0 with 1 knockout and she's cute as a button.

Actor and media pundit James Franco recently declared "social media is over,"and it was retweeted by hundreds of people within minutes.

And last, cinemas in the UK are planning to show an orchestral concert filmed entirely in 3D in an attempt to ruin any excitement anyone felt for the technology. Up next: an XBOX Kinect game that let's you fold laundry. There's gotta be a better way to get girls to buy games...

And with that, I bid you adieu for Wednesday. Feel free to share this blog via any of the social media buttons below, even though social media is dead, and come see us again tomorrow! In the meantime, have a great day, everybody!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2011

Okay, it's Tuesday. Nothing you can do about it, so you might as well laugh. To that end, may I interest you in some jokes?

McDonald's announced it is hiring 50,000 new workers as part of a planned expansion across America. The news sent stock prices skyrocketing for companies that manufacture fat pants.

Speaking of fat pants, looks like Kevin Smith dodged a bullet when he got booted off a Southwest flight for being overweight, as it turns out their planes are made of fatigued steel and good intentions. Not a great place for a big guy.

In television news news, CBS anchor Katie Couric is leaving the network to pursue her first love: undergoing colonoscopies and making people watch the video.

President Obama announced this weekend he is seeking reelection. It's great that he's taken on the work of campaigning, because he's had way too much free time lately.

A rumor is circulating that princess-to-be Kate Middleton may have to sign a prenup agreement. When reached for comment, Prince William simply said "I ain't no chump."

In Kazakhstan, President Nazarbayev won a completely fair and transparent election recently, taking 95.5% of the vote. In a related story, 4.5% of Kazakhstani people just got really nervous.

After a disastrous opening night in Detroit, Charlie Sheen's not-at-all-insane live tour got rave reviews in Chicago. Why? Because he's bi-polar. He's mentally ill, and he needs help.

Lastly, a record was set this past week for modern Chinese art, when a Chinese artist sold a triptych of paintings for $10 million. It was originally a tetrad, but censors confiscated the fourth painting. Because they're totalitarian!

Okay, that's all from me. Keep slogging away, friends! Share the "joy" with your friends and acquaintances and come back for more tomorrow! And as always, have a great day!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2011

Welcome back, everyone! Did you have great weekend? Well, it's over now. Perhaps some jokes will make the day fly by. Let's see!

In Vietnam, an endangered giant turtle was captured and given medical treatment this weekend. Over fifty volunteers and doctors spent hours working to get the sacred turtle to a special turtle hospital on a nearby island for treatment. Next, these guys are going to try and get Charlie Sheen to see a psychiatrist.

In royal wedding news, Prince William said that he won't be wearing a wedding ring. Well, that should make it easier for him to cheat on his wife.

Prince William also admitted to having pre-wedding jitters, which is pretty smart considering how these things tend to work out in his family.

Elsewhere in England, chanteuse Susan Boyle turned 50 years old on Friday, putting her friends and family in the awkward position of singing "Happy Birthday" to Susan Boyle. No pressure.

Speaking of music, John Mellencamp, whose musical career has chronicled the death of rural America, is working on a musical with Stephen King, whose literary career has chronicled horrific deaths in rural America. It's sure to be the feel good hit of the season. And it'll probably open before Turn Off The Dark.

Speaking of musicians writing, Billy Joel decided to cancel work on his barely-anticipated memoir last week. A representative from Borders said "damn, we were counting on that to save our stores. No, I'm just kidding. No one gives a shit what Billy Joel has to say. Hey, while you're here, wanna buy a shelf?"

In Florida, a missing teenager found hiding in a meth lab bit a police office who tried to bring her out of the house. Fortunately, her teeth were all rotted out from meth, so no one was hurt.

Lastly, Republican Congressional leaders announced a plan to cut four trillion dollars from the federal budget. The plan involves printing on both sides of paper in all federal offices, and defunding NPR eighty thousand times.

Okay, that's all from me today. Tell your friends and repost this like it's a dancing cat that just came from the dentist on Friday. Come back tomorrow for more stuff like this stuff, and until then, have a great day!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 3, 2011

Hey everyone, the weekend is over. Question. A friend of mine was laid off on Friday. April Fools' Day. When that happens, do you go into work on Monday and say "Good one, guys. Good one..."

Charlie Sheen kicked off his Weapons of Mass Destruction tour in Detroit last night. The consensus is it was terrible. The problem may have been their expectations were too high. Detroit is so unfamiliar with winning, that they had no idea what to expect... For a lot of people, it really put things in perspective: Being unemployed with no hope for the future is much better than being unemployed with tickets to Sheen's show. Of course, for Charlie Sheen it was a trumph. His show single-handedly took Detroit off the map.

One of Southwest Airlines' Boeing 737s had to make an emergency landing after a hole opened in the fuselage. When you fly Southwest, I think that's part of the bargain that you buy into. It's a cheap flight, and you know it. On Southwest, if a hole opens in the fuselage, that's your in-flight movie.

Our mayor in LA, Antonio Villagairosa, just received a record fine for accepting free tickets to sporting events and shows, including the American Idol finale and a Spice Girls concert. His lawyers argued that the Spice Girls concert should've been punishment enough.

Libyan rebels have retaken several cities in the country, looked around, and said "Seriously? This is what we were fighting for?" I hear they're going to try and sell the war-torn real estate, but don't be fooled by their ads. Benghazi is way more than "gently used."

Friday, April 1, 2011

Fridays with Spencer! My Wiki is leaking.

How was your week? Are you glad it's Friday? Enough small talk, let's get to it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s next act will be as a comic-book superhero called “The Governator,” according to EW. His superpowers, being able to smoke pot on camera, make terrible movies, be sexist, and still get citizens to vote for him, "as a goof."

It's rumored that Rep. Gabrielle Giffords will run for Senate. It’s difficult to imagine, as she still recovers from a gunshot wound, but her doctors tell us that one of the machines she is hooked up to is IBM's Jeopardy winning computer, Watson.

Chris Brown’s new album, F.A.M.E. topped the pop chart last week, marking the first time the singer has ever been at number one. Coincidentally, "I'm number one!" is what Brown screamed as he punched Rihanna.

A website known as "Porn Wiki Leaks" has published a database with the HIV status of current and former adult-industry performers. Only two people on the list were treated for "Wiki Leaks".

A couple that corresponded anonymously online for several months in Britain finally met face-to-face—and discovered shortly thereafter that they were siblings. They have yet to set a wedding date.

Sorry, Apple fans. Apple blogger Jim Dalrymple killed buzz about the company’s summer conference, saying there will be no iPhone, iPad, or Mac hardware unveiled. Which means that some douche can't tell you passive-aggressively that you suck for not having the iPhone 5. Enjoy the Summer off from that.

Who’s a better boss, Mark Zuckerberg or Barack Obama? Robert Gibbs may soon be able to give an answer, as the former White House press secretary is in talks to take over Facebook’s communications, according to The New York Times. Maybe now we'll get a "dislike" button.

Thanks for reading. Please tell your friends. Follow @Spinlenox, @Soonerseth on Twitter. Kisses