Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 31, 2011

Let's see what happened in the last 24 hours that we can make fun of.

The animal rights group PETA recently announced a contest to give away a free vasectomy to a human. Unfortunately, you can't nominate other people for the prize. You win this round, Larry King.

This year has so far seen a boom in the number of documentaries coming from the Peoples Republic of China. At least we think they're documentaries. It's hard to tell with all the audio bleeped out and black bars over every shot.

Unlikely celebrity Paris Hilton recently said in an interview "I'm no diva." That's true. Divas can sing.

In Las Vegas, hotel and casino promoters are embracing the city's mob roots with special attractions and theme restaurants recalling the fashion and spirit of the city's sordid past. Are you listening, Berlin?

Former Senator and human rights advocate Rick Santorum said that his daughter's health will be a large factor in his decision to whether to run for president. Another big factor? Try to Google him.

Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner said in an interview recently that he is unwilling to increase the amount of product placement in the popular cable series. Did he forget to mention it's about an advertising agency? One thing they're not selling: self-awareness.

In New Jersey, a woman is suing her plastic surgeon after her last surgery left her unable to close her eyes. What's even worse? She's still got crows' feet.

In Chicago a pool hall was cited for serving a beer to a 12 year old. Also, he ordered a draft and got a can. That's just wrong.

And that's just it for me this week! Spread the word, and come back for Friday's with Spencer and Earnest's Weekend Monologue on Sunday. Saturday you can sleep in.

Have a great day!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 30, 2011

Shall we?

International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.

Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.

On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.

In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"

Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.

The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"

California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.

And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.

That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2011

Welcome back, everybody! What's more fun than a blog full of jokes? Nothin', that's what! Enjoy!

South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?

Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.

Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.

Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.

NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?

In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...

The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?

Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.

That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.

Have a great day!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - March 28, 2011

Okay, everybody, looks like we've got some jokes for you today. Hope that's why you came.

A Montana Radio Shack location is offering a free gun with the purchase and installation of Dish Network, which is great news for people who love watching television and shooting things.

Remember "Baby Jessica," the little girl who fell into a well and nearly died? Well, she just turned 25 and got access to a trust fund set up for her with donations collected when she was in the well. Looks like she fell ass-backwards into money. Good for her!

In the snack food world, the Frito-Lay company made news this week when they announced their "food" products would be going "all natural." Someone must have told them that salt and oil are "natural." You know what else is natural? Diabetes and heart disease, but no one ever goes bragging about it.

Staying with the world of food and drink, Starbucks is set to unveil a new line of coffee machines that brew a single cup of coffee at a time. It's part of their new product line for painfully alone coffee-lovers.

In Qatar, organizers for the 2022 World Cup announced they're planning to build artificial, remote controlled clouds to provide shade for the games. Also, they're building special watering stations to re-hydrate anyone who has become parched from spitting on poor people.

In Los Angeles, police have closed another 60 medical marijuana dispensaries, thus making the drug completely unavailable to people who want it. History will show that's how we won the war on drugs.

Clothier and soft-core pornography studio Abercrombie & Fitch is under fire for offering a new children's bikini top with padding for flat-chested girls. The company issued a statement saying "we stand behind our product, and we believe it's never too young to encourage women to hate their bodies."

Lastly, in more clothing news, director/actor/orator Sylvester Stallone is moving into the fashion world with a new line of clothes inspired by the films of Rocky and Rambo. They're just like any other clothes, except they're covered in blood. Look for them at K-Mart this summer!

That's all for now, hope your time with us has been hilarious and utterly unproductive. Tell your friends, share us via the magic buttons below, and come see us again. But most importantly, have a wonderful day!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - March 27, 2011

Sorry I was gone last week, but I'm back this week with jokes about crack, weed, snakes, and Apple, all of which pose various dangers to our communities.

Apple Sued Amazon this week over their use of the term "App Store," which Apple claims to own. Apple is in a tough spot. It's hard being Apple and trying to protect a generic term for which it's become known- like "Rich douchebags"

Washington DC's white population has exploded by 31.6% over the past decade according to the census. DC Mayor Marion Berry's first sign of the gentrification came when he started having to order crack in tall, grande, or venti.

A Montanna parks employee was granted workers' comp after being mauled by a grizzly bear he was attempting to feed while high. Let this be a lesson to you high school and college kids. Not all of the ideas you come up with while high are brilliant.

Geraldine Ferraro died this week. She's best remembered as the first woman to run for Vice President. She ran and lost, paving the way for Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton to run and lose. I hear Ferraro almost made it to heaven but ran into a glass ceiling.

A cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo, and I hope they catch him quickly because you know that none of that time he spent on the inside was spent on actual rehabilitation. Nope, he was just learning from older cobras how to be meaner and more vicious once he got out.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Hungry in Hungary

President Obama officially notified Congress about the military action in Libya Monday night. Republicans in Congress are growing increasingly critical of Obama’s decision to use force in Libya. The President's secretary then stepped into the room and said, "Mr. President, you have a call on line one. Something about a pot and kettle?"

Speaking of war: One of 12 U.S. soldiers charged in relation to the murder of three Afghan citizens will plead guilty, says The Wall Street Journal. On Monday, the German magazine Der Spiegel published photographs of the soldiers posing with the corpses of their alleged victims. Which is easily the least disturbing picture ever published by the Germans.

Sources close to Glenn Beck say he is considering starting his own channel when his contract with Fox News expires at the end of the year. Looks like the prophesy of Beck becoming the Mormon Pat Robertson are true! Praise Allah! Oh... also Glenn, "going rogue" has been taken.

The final cost of Japan’s earthquake and tsunami are not quite certain — it figures to be between $200 and $300 billion, either way, the disaster will be the costliest ever. That distinction had previously gone to Hurricane Katrina, which caused $125 billion worth of damage to the New Orleans area. The difference: Wii's and flat-screen TV's.

I thought Republican's were against handouts? Conservative guerrilla James O’Keefe — the man behind the video stings that recently brought down several NPR executives — is asking supporters to donate $50,000 to help him pay off credit card debt incurred by his sting operations. It is rumored that O'Keefe will hold an all-day Telethon to keep "viewers like you" coming back.

Suspected underwear bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab considered bombing Houston and Chicago, but the tickets were too expensive, so he went with Detroit. Even terrorists love Southwest!

French warplanes shot down a Libyan plane on Thursday. To which President Obama said, "Those assholes have planes?"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 24, 2011

Warm greeting! Banter, banter, banter... mildly humorous comment! Exhortation to read further!

A three-year-old boy in China recently weighed in at 132lbs. That sounds freakish, but he's also 5'10" and he's a gymnast. Yep, everything here is on the up and up.

The House of Windsor issued some etiquette guidelines for behavior at the upcoming royal wedding. One of the stand outs: don't tweet from inside the church. That's a good call, and clearly the people who would tweet during a wedding are very concerned with proper behavior.

The Pet Shop Boys produced a new ballet in London. Try to act surprised.

NBC is launching a new Paul Reiser series in April. Try to act surprised.

Libyan embarrassment Mohammar Gaddhafi remains defiant in the face of coalition attacks, saying "we are making fun of their rockets." I'm guessing that it's primarily dick jokes. At least that's how I'd make fun of rockets.

Showtime decided to pull their current shows from the popular Netflix streaming service, making them instead only available to Showtime subscribers. Apparently Showtime is laboring under the delusion that anyone actually thinks Weeds and United States of Tara are worth money.

MTV just signed up The Real World for seasons 27 and 28, meaning that if the show were a person, it would no longer understand itself.

Lastly, Ed Harris will be playing Senator John McCain in HBO's new miniseries Game Changer. He only got the part after scheduling conflicts forced the actual John McCain to drop out of the production. He was already set to star in the Pet Shop Boys' ballet.

That's all for me today! Hope you enjoyed this, and if you did tell your friends! If not, wait until we have a funnier post, then tell your friends. Come back for more jokes tomorrow with Spencer and Sunday with Earnest.

Have a great day!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 23, 2011

Welcome, everyone! Thanks for visiting the blog, it's great to have you here. We've got a pretty good post for you today, with timely jokes and such. Let's get to it!

Sharon Angle has a new book coming out. Wait, that's not the ridiculous part. The title is The Right Angle, which is actually a pretty appropriate encapsulation of Sharon Angle: it sounds like an okay idea at first, but the more you think about it, the more you realize Sharon Angle is a moron.

Speaking of morons, on Good Morning America yesterday, Zen master and musician Chris Brown went nuts back stage after Robin Roberts asked him questions about his famed "disagreement" with Rihanna in 2009. He broke a window, smashed furniture and left the studio, shirtless of course, without performing his second song as scheduled. Thank goodness he's got his anger issues taken care of, or that could have really gotten ugly. Oh, and nobody tell him that Taco Bell is raising their prices!

Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez suggested in a recent interview that capitalism may have killed off ancient life on Mars. He then blamed capitalism when he stood up and banged his funny bone on the chair.

In Edgewater, Florida, parents of grade school children are protesting the special measures required at the school to protect a first grade student with life-threatening peanut allergies. Said one parent, "I don't care what they have to do, home school, move or whatever, but I will be DAMNED if my kids don't get to eat the same crappy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I did! This is America, and we eat peanuts!"

In Monticello, New York, a man showed up for his DWI hearing 90 minutes late, drunk, and with 4 unopened beers in his bag. He was jailed on one count of being incredibly sad.

Speaking of booze, a South African man is facing trial after allegedly pouring his whiskey drink on President Zuma. He's also been offered a reality show on Bravo.

Groupon COO Rob Solomon announced he will be stepping down from the company. Must have gotten a better offer.

And finally, Howard Stern is suing his employer, SIRIUS Satellite Radio, for not giving him the stock options he was promised in his contract. This marks the first time in years that anyone has shown any interest in getting SIRIUS stock.

And that's it for today! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed your time with us. Tell your friends, use the mighty share buttons if you feel like it, and come back for more tomorrow!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 22, 2011

It's Two-Two-Tuesday And you know what that means! Good, then we don't have to talk about it. On with the blog!

Coalition forces bombing Tripoli nearly hit Colonel Gaddhafi's personal tent with a smart bomb this weekend in what some observers are calling a targeted attempt to kill the obviously nuts dictator. A spokesman for the coalition forces denied that Gaddhafi was being targeted personally by the bombing campaign, and further went on to say "wink!"

Back in America, T-Mobile has been fielding questions from consumers who are concerned about the impending purchase of the company by AT&T. The most popular question is, of course, will T-Mobile be offering iPhones? The answer, sadly, is no. However, T-Mobile customers can look forward to the same awful service that iPhone users have "enjoyed" for years. Thanks, Ma Bell!

The presidential election in Haiti wrapped up this week without serious incident. International observers were shocked to learn, though, that at least two people still wanted to be the president of Haiti.

Former rock singer Sammy Hagar has a new book out. Wait, that's not the weird part. Mr. Hagar revealed in the book that he's been abducted by aliens, on multiple occasions, beginning when he was four years old. It's at that point the story gets fishy. Really, Sammy, the aliens kept coming back for years to abduct you? Come on, you know everyone gets sick of you after one song.

In San Antonio, a man flipped out at Taco Bell when he discovered the price of his burrito had gone up since the last time he visited. First, he fired a BB gun at the cashier, then went to his car and got an assault rifle, which he fired at police and then barricaded himself inside until the cops threw tear gas inside. All over the price of a burrito at Taco Bell. Can you imagine what this guy did when he found out about Santa Claus?

Good news from Hollywood, as writers and studios reached a tentative agreement to continue working for the next three years. Writers will receive pay raises, as well as increased revenue from royalties. In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker said "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Elsewhere in Hollywood, actress Kate Walsh, the celebrated star of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy said in an interview that at 43 years old, she feels like a loser for not having children. She then went on to add, "thank God I've still got my amazing television career. I mean, if I were 43, didn't have children and didn't have a successful television show, we'll I'd probably just kill myself."

Finally, Sarah Palin has been visiting Israel this week, but she's staying very far away from the press. 'Cause they're controlled by the you-know-who... Happy Purim, everyone!

That's all I can bring myself to write. Hope you enjoyed it! Click those buttons below, share us with your friends and come back tomorrow for more joyful tidings and jokes and things. Have a great day everyone!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - March 21, 2011

Happy Monday, everybody, and happy beginning of Spring! Wanna see if this season is as funny as the last one? Let's dive in.

In communication news, AT&T is attempting to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion. Guess those commercials with the girl in the polka dot dress really worked.

In Belize, increased international demand for the grain quinoa has raised the price so much that the farmers growing the staple food are no longer able to afford eating it themselves. One local grower said "damn it! This is exactly what happened with cocaine!"

In Utah, the governor designated the Browning model M1911 handgun as the official state firearm. He also changed the state motto to "BLAM!"

In entertainment news, former actor Kevin Costner has officially joined the production of the new Superman movie. He immediately denied all rumors that the film would be "any good at all."

In legal news, an international pedophile ring was busted this week, netting over 300,000 suspected pedophiles. So, if the creepy guy who lives down down the street is still there, he's probably legit.

In diplomatic news, Carlos Pascual, America's ambassador to Mexico, has resigned after saying the Mexican government was proving ineffective in the war on drugs. He also confirmed that, yes, that dress does makes his wife's ass look a little fat.

In other romantic news, Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend. The famed golfer says he's happy to be in a relationship, and is looking forward to just cheating on one woman at a time.

In lastly, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen just bought a refurbished MiG-29 fighter jet, meaning things are about to get very bad for anyone who ever gave him a wedgie.

In the end, that's all I've got for you today. Share us with your friends and networks through the magical buttons below, tell us what's on your mind, and come back soon!

Have a great day!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: iMac on Your Women

Hillary Clinton has confirmed her desire to leave the Obama administration in an interview on Wednesday with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. In an excerpt of the interview, Clinton says, “I have no intention or any idea even of running again. I'm going to do the best I can at this job for the next two years." Clinton is going to concentrate on her advocacy work. “I believe that the rights of women and girls is the unfinished business of the 21st century,” she said as she finished folding the laundry.

NBC correspondent Lester Holt revealed on Wednesday’s Today show that minor traces of radiation had been found on him and members of his crew while they were covering the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Lester and his crew are going to spend the next few days creating a montage of themselves as they harness the super-powers that they believe are lurking deep inside.

A red Tibetan mastiff puppy named Big Splash has sold in China for $1.5 million, which makes him the world’s most expensive dog. He was purchased by a coal baron in China, where Tibetan mastiffs have become a status symbol, and also a delicious main course.

The Pentagon has secretly begun sending spy drones into Mexico to monitor the drug trade. The operation began last month with the hopes of gathering evidence that can then be handed over to Mexican authorities, which will then be thrown away by the authorities on the drug cartel's payroll.

Aren’t those Lean Cuisines dinners supposed to be a healthy alternative? Nestle Prepared Food Co. announced Tuesday a voluntary recall of frozen spaghetti and meatball dinner after reports of red plastic being found in the meatballs. A spokesperson for Nestle said, "Our scientists wanted to see if we could make a turd float, I told him 'mix some milk, ice cream and turds' get it? Man, we laughed about that for hours. But seriously, don't eat our food."

An organ recipient in New York City has contracted HIV after a Kidney transplant - the recipient said, "I'll never buy another body part from again."

An Atlanta Braves minor league manager has lost an eye after he was hit in the face by a line drive at a spring-training game. Luis Salazar was standing at the top of the dugout when the ball hit him. While he has lost binocular vision, he has gained a sweet new nickname: "Winky".

A prominent GOP fundraiser was charged Wednesday with defrauding 5,000 investors of more than $200 million through a Ponzi scheme. Timothy Durham took $54 million for himself, using it to build a 45-car garage at his Indianapolis house and to keep a four-bedroom yacht in Miami. Durham gave more than $800,000 to the GOP and candidates in Indiana, including $200,000 to Indiana Governor and 2012 presidential hopeful Mitch Daniels. When asked, Durham said, "What better way to honor my Lord and Savior, than by building a figurative pyramid. Except my pyramid was build on greed and lies. Sorry Jesus."

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 17, 2011

Welcome back, hope you're having a wonderful (whatever time of day you're experiencing)! We've got a great blog for you today, so let's get to it!

Actress and director Jodie Foster once again defended Mel Gibson in the press, saying "I will love him for the rest of my life," before adding "but not like that. You know." Somewhere in federal prison, John Hinkley stared out a window and whispered "yeah, I know."

In literary news, Jermaine Jackson announced he is writing a book this week, and no one cared at all.

In England, a man was sentenced to 3.5 years in prison for forcing his stepson to sleep in a straightjacket and restraints. Let this serve as a warning: parents, don't try and force your children to live out your failed dream of being a famous escape artist. In all seriousness, it's pretty awful to make a kid sleep in a straightjacket, but at least he wasn't being raised in the Westboro Baptist Church.

In an unrelated story, the Republican National Committee is exploring the possibility of selling broadcast rights for the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary Debates. This makes sense, considering the candidates will have already been bought and paid for.

In Italy, Silvio Berlusconi defended himself in the press against charges that he paid for sex with 33 women in a two month period. His defense: he's too old to have had sex with them all in such a short amount of time. And that's probably true. He probably only banged some of them.

Disney announced today that the proposed remake of The Yellow Submarine has been cancelled, due to the fact that people aren't taking nearly enough psychedelic drugs for the film to be profitable.

Speaking of news that makes you think you've been drugged, Nevada's favorite daughter, Sharon Angle, is planning to run for the U.S. House of Representatives. The RNC has pledged its support, offering her a truckload of "Sharon Angle in 2011" yard signs.

And finally, Seann William Scott signed on for another sequel in the American Pie franchise, telling his fans "well, it was either this or another tired King Lear remake. And they very rarely let you drink a beer spiked with semen in Shakespeare. Don't worry, I know who I am."

That's all for me this week, I do hope you remember me fondly. Spencer is here tomorrow, and Earnest is back on Sunday, so do keep coming back! Let us know what you think, and please tell your friends!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 16, 2011

Hey, did you all have a great March 15th yesterday? If you had a Caesar Salad, I hope you stabbed the crap out of it. Yes, I know the salad is unrelated to the ancient political figure. It's just a joke. More examples are included for your enjoyment below.

At the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, an investigation is underway to figure out why a bag of cocaine was recently found on the premises. The most likely explanation, of course, is that the owner thought it was new Crystal Tang. That's a thing, right? If not, then it was probably just a coke-head. No need to worry; it's only rocket science.

In sports news, Adrian Peterson called the NFL "modern day slavery." He went on to say, "except that we make a whole lot of money and can bask in the love and adoration of our fans. Even those of us who play for the Lions."

In Russia, a bomb squad was recently deployed to disarm a suspected bomb which turned out to be a woman's vibrator. That must have been one confusing day for the squad's bomb-sniffing dog.

In an interview this week, musician Jon Bon Jovi blamed Steve Jobs, and iTunes, for "killing the music industry." Bon Jovi reminisced about a time when consumers bought records based on what the cover looked like, without knowing what the music was. "God, it was wonderful. You could just slap a cool picture of a skeleton or a hot chick on the jacket and you made millions. Now you have to write songs and stuff. Friggin' sucks." In a related story, Bon Jovi has 25 albums and singles available for purchase on iTunes! Get your fill now!

Comedian and supplemental insurance salesman Gilbert Gottfried was fired from his job as the voice of the Aflac duck, meaning that Gottfried will have to go back to being annoying without the aid of animated water fowl. A nationwide search is on to find his replacement. Casting directors are looking for someone with a voice as "annoying as shit" to fill the role.

In the UK, a celebrity dentist may be fired from his show on Channel 4 after admitting to an affair with one of his patients. The most shocking aspect of the story, however, is the startling revelation that British people are so God-awful boring that a dentist can become a TV star there.

A recent study from Cambridge University found that people who were happy as children tend to get divorced as adults, whereas people who were unhappy children tend to stay married in order to inflict the maximum amount of sorrow upon their unwitting partners. Go ahead, write a song about that, Timberlake.

And finally, another study from the Rush Medical Center found that people who have a fulfilling purpose in life live longer than people who don't. So, good news! If you've got a crappy, meaningless life that you hate, at least it will be short. And that's basically The Secret. There, you just saved twenty bucks. You're welcome.

And you're welcome to come back here for jokes all week long. Leave your comments, share your favorite posts with e-friends, and have a great Wednesday! See you tomorrow!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2011

It's one month till tax day. Have you done yours yet? I did my taxes this weekend, and it was so much fun I want to do it again! Why, yes, I am a member of the Democratic Party. Why do you ask? That doesn't actually count as a joke. Those are contained below.

The hacker group Anonymous is making a name for itself this week, with the release of secret emails from Bank of America employees. It's really not a big deal, though, as the emails were mostly forwards from

In Darwinian news, trainers at Sea World will soon be returning to the work with the orcas. Work stopped with the massive sea beasts after one of them killed a trainer last year. It's like that old saying goes, if you fall off the horse, you've gotta get right back on, even if that horse is a giant aquatic killer that's trying to eat you.

Speaking of saddles, Lou Dobbs is back on television, hosting a new program on Fox Business Channel, proving that you can't keep a good paranoid reactionary down. He will be sharing hosting duties with his jowls.

The NFL players union is gearing up for a strike this month. However, in a press release issued today, the union guaranteed that the players will still keep up their same level of rapes.

In celebrity news, a sex tape featuring music star Usher is up for sale. MTV has already gone on the record saying they will not air the tape, but only because it could be misconstrued as a music video.

Al Qaida released a women's magazine this month, for some reason. The 30 page, glossy magazine is only available for purchase online, and includes beauty tips for women looking to marry a suicide bomber. Next month promises instruction on electronic jihad and exfoliation. Every word of this is true. Happy Women's History Month!

In Libya, thousands of migrant workers are leaving the country due to the escalating violence, and many are vowing never to return. The story was reported on Fox Business Channel by a visibly aroused Lou Dobbs.

And lastly, the producers of Grey's Anatomy announced that the long-running show will have a musical episode in the near future. It's hard to tell if this is out of a desire to explore the characters and complex issues in the show through a new and heretofore untapped medium, or if they just now got around to ripping off season 6 of Scrubs. Either way, SING ON!

That's it for me today. If you feel like these weren't the best you've ever read... well, I'd agree. Hope you enjoyed them anyway.

See you tomorrow!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2011

Did you enjoy your 47 hour weekend? Where did that extra hour go? Pretty sure Gov. Walker gave it to the Koch brothers. But we've still got jokes.

Conan O'Brien went to South by South West this weekend to see a documentary based on his firing from the Tonight Show. Festival organizers bumped his screening to midnight just for old times' sake.

In legal news, former Survivor star Richard Hatch is going back to prison to serve out his sentence for unpaid taxes. There's been no word about a possible special appearance on LOCKDOWN.

In other celebrity news, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up, which means now we'll have to suffer through an awful, morose breakup album from Timberlake. Featuring Timbaland, of course.

On an Alaska Airlines flight, Air Marshals and FBI agents were alerted to "suspicious" behavior by three passengers. It turns out the men were Orthodox Jews and they were praying. Nice work, everyone. As a precaution, TSA screeners are now confiscating weaponized prayer beads from air travelers.

In a related story, the guy who played Gopher on The Love Boat is planning a radio show to deal with the topic of radical Islam. This sentence was brought to you in part by Mad-Libs.

Also in tolerance news, or "intolerance" news, Tennessee lawmakers want to make it a felony for residents to follow Sharia law. Guess that means mandatory porkchop sandwiches for everyone! Oh, and screw the First Amendment.

In Slovakia, a two-headed and five-legged turtle has been accurately predicting the winners in a Slovakian hockey tournament. Sports historians agree this is the most exciting thing to ever happen in hockey.

In Israel, Jewish and Arab rappers came together to form a hip hop group promoting peace and understanding through what is surely awful, awful hip hop. Featuring Timbaland, of course.

And lastly, Amazon is considering giving free Kindles to their Amazon Prime members. Meanwhile, Borders employees are subsisting on a glue-and-pulp soup made from boiling unsold copies of Sarah Palin's memoir.

That's all for now! Have an awesome Monday, everyone! Leave your comments, email/repost us to your hearts' content, and we'll see you again tomorrow!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - March 13, 2011

Today's jokes are brought to you by NPR, who wants to remind you that even with all their bosses having been fired and Congress threatening to take away their funding, they are still accepting your donations and tips on job openings.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is going to be representing himself in court. Hes accused of paying for sex with a minor. Of course, he's offended at the accusation; he's never had to pay for sex! And as a business owner, he knows that paying a minor for sex would be a clear violation of Italy's child labor laws. I'm kidding. Italy has no child labor laws. That's actually going to be his defense.

Lindsay Lohan showed up in court this week. She left without a plea bargain but with a gavel, the bailiff's wallet, two watches, and a set of car keys for which she's still trying to find the matching car.

Michele Bachmann made a pretty big mistake this week, telling a crowd in New Hampshire that they were in the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord. Of course, that actually happened in Massachusetts. I think people should give her a break, though. She's already demonstrated a problem with looking off slightly to the right. Apparently that also extends to maps. Of course, the people of New Hampshire were happy just to be recognized for anything, even if by accident. With Bachmann outflanking her in Dumb, Sarah Palin is going to have to turn up the Crazy if she has any hope of standing out during the Republican primaries.

Opening night for Spider Man Turn Off The Dark has been pushed back again-- this time to the middle of June. Despite being in previews, it remains Broadway's highest grossing musical week after week. Amtrak is taking notes. They didn't know people would pay to watch a trainwreck.

There's a Charlie Sheen virus spreading through Facebook and Twitter. A viral outbreak with Charlie Sheen as the source? Come on, you knew it was only a matter of time before that happened.

That's it for now. Come back all week for Seth and Spencer!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: The New Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama announced Thursday his retirement from public life. He asked the Tibetan parliament in exile to relieve him of his “formal authority” as head of the Tibetan government. He can now focus on fulfilling a promise made to give Bill Murray total enlightenment on his deathbed.

For the second year in a row, Mexican telecom mogul Carlos Slim tops Forbes Magazine’s billionaires list. In just the past year, Slim has added $20.5 billion to his fortune, bringing his net worth to $74 billion. His secret to beating Bill Gates for the second year in a row: Not giving his money to sick Africans.

Paris police found gems believed to be stolen two years ago from Harry Winston, a jeweler, in a drainpipe in the northern suburbs of the city, near the home of robbery’s suspected mastermind. They found a diamond ring, 18 more rings and three earrings in a plastic container inside a concrete mold. The jewelry was then sold for a fair price to Where you can get top dollar for your precious metals!

The Food and Drug Administration on Wednesday approved a new drug to treat lupus, which medical experts said they hope will help inspire the development of other drugs for the immune system disorder. Your welcome black people.

Julian Moore has signed on to play Sarah Palin in HBO Films’ Game Change, based on Mark Halperin and John Heilemann’s 2010 book about the 2008 presidential elections. To prepare for the role, Moore has been sniffing glue, and reading nothing but tweets from Dane Cook and Charlie Sheen. She's very method.

A rough few days ahead for AOL: Sources say the company will begin laying off several hundred employees on Thursday. The staffers will most likely work in editorial and other product groups, and not in the network group or advertising unit. AOL Vice President said, "Really, I'm surprised we kept as many employees as we did." He then handed the reporter a CD with 300 free minutes of internet usage!

A study by British researchers released Wednesday said chickens have the ability to empathize. They also have to ability to be extra crispy.

Embattled actor Mel Gibson just caught a huge break. Gibson has struck a plea deal with prosecutors in his looming criminal case and will not get jail time, sources connected with the L.A. County District Attorney tell TMZ. Gibson will reportedly appear in court Friday where he will plead no contest to simple battery against ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, as opposed to corporal injury on a spouse, a more serious charge. Which proves the Jews don't run the justice system.

People in England are healthier than people in the U.S. with lower rates of diabetes, high cholesterol, and heart disease across all age groups. The exact reason is unknown, although it may be that England provides better preventative care. But still, socialized medicine is evil and will kill your mother.

Lady Gaga has canceled a special edition of her album to be sold exclusively at Target, reportedly due to the retail chain’s gay-rights stance. Target has given thousands of dollars to anti-gay politicians. When reached for comment, a Target spokesman said, "Seriously, we gave more money to Lady Gaga than we did those homophobes... really thought we'd get those fags back with that move."

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 10, 2011

Happy Thursday! We've got a great blog for you this morning. Let's get started.

In legal news, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed a law Wednesday banning the death penalty in the state. In his signing statement, Quinn said "look, I know that I'm the Governor of Illinois, so chances are good I'm gonna end up in prison at some point. This way, I figure I'll be pretty popular when I get there. Now, who wants to bribe me?"

The Toyota Motor Company announced this week a new goal of selling 10 million vehicles each year. Also part of the goal: recalling fewer than 10 million vehicles per year. Dream big, Toyota.

Food safety inspectors in the UK ruled that ice cream made from human breast milk is safe for consumption. Also deemed edible by the UK: sausage made from coagulated blood and jelly made from eels.

In a story slightly less stomach-turning, Gwyneth Paltrow is finalizing a record deal, which is good news for people who were getting tired of just hating her in movies and television. Oh, and she had a cook book, right? Yeah, that probably irritated some people, too.

Speaking of irritating, MTV's Real World is about to begin its 25th season, proving that television really is a meritocracy.

In other non-music television news, Michaele Salahi, the insane woman who became famous by sneaking into a White House party, was recently kicked out of VH1's Celebrity Rehab for not actually having an addiction. Well done, VH1 "doctors." Anyone who lies her way onto Celebrity Rehab is clearly the picture of mental health and in no way in need of a psychiatric intervention. In a related story, Michaele just moved in with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

In California, police have stepped up efforts to close down unlicensed medical marijuana shops. This is bad news for ferret-owners.

And finally, Julie Taymor was fired this week from the troubled Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark. When asked what she would have done differently, knowing what she does now, she said "first, I wouldn't have let Bono pick that stupid-ass name, as it obviously cursed us. I believe in a just and loving God, and there's clearly no place in His world for a successful musical with a name that stupid. Good luck fixing that fuster-cluck, you Disney ass-clowns!" She then added, "anybody need a musical directed? Anybody? Crap."

That's it for me this week, but come back tomorrow and Sunday for hilarity from Spencer and Earnest, respectively.

Now, this is the spot where I normally ask you to repost this or email it, or whatever, but today, I'd rather you visit one (or more) of these sites:
and show your support for the effort to remove Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker from office, because he is a total douche bag, and in 299 days the good people of Wisconsin can recall his sorry ass. Add your voice to the chorus and let Wisconsin know we've got their back.

That's all for now! See you next time!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 9, 2011

Did you have a great Mardi Gras? Well, good for you. I hope you enjoy your penance. What's that? You are enjoying it? Then you're doing it wrong. Try again. Also, here are jokes:

In Libya, rumors circulated throughout the country that Colonel Gadaffi was looking to negotiate an exit from the country and an abdication of his leadership. Representatives for the insane leader refuted the story, saying "No, he's not going anywhere. Why, what did you hear? You think the rebels would be cool with that?" In a related story, the widely-trusted Colonel offered to discuss his possible exit in person with opposition leaders "and as many rebel troops as possible" in a wide open plain near the Libyan air force.

In legal food news Lady Gaga is suing the makers of "Baby Gaga" ice cream, which is made from human breast milk. "I would never associate my name with something like that," the pop star said, then put on a wide-brimmed hat made entirely of meat.

In South Carolina, Governor Nikki Haley is writing her memoir. When asked about projected book sales, she said "if it doesn't sell, I'll just call it a history book and make the public schools buy it. That's basically what happened with A Separate Peace."

In Pennsylvania, a prominent celebrity boxing promoter stands accused of fixing fights. This news is devastating to the many fans of celebrity boxing. This revelation also calls into question the real ass-whipping power of Danny Bonaduce. The sport may never recover.

Warner Brothers will soon be offering full-length films through Facebook in a move to destroy all American productivity once and for all.

American Sikhs, mistaken for Muslims, are being targeted for hate crimes by some of the worst bigots ever. A spokesman for the Sikh community said "it's always disheartening to see violence like this, but it's even worse somehow when you realize these ignorant bastards can't even get their bigotry right. Pathetic."

A legal fight is brewing this week in California over the 2012 Golden Globes Award Ceremony. It seems that no one can agree as to who has to air it.

Lastly, Phil Collins announced this week, several times, that he will be quitting music. He plans to use his new free time to concentrate on resuming his acting career, saying "they're still shooting episodes of Miami Vice, right?" When asked if he might return to music in the future, he said it was "against all odds, but it's the chance I have to take."

That's it for now. Does anyone else want to listen to "In the Air Tonight?" Hey, once you're done, how about leaving a comment below? How about reposting us on Twitter or Facebook or Buzz? How about emailing us to all your friends? Yes, all of them. How about that? How about coming back tomorrow? Hope you have a great Wednesday and I'll see you again tomorrow!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2011

Hoo, boy. It's Tuesday, and we've got a great blog for you. Here's some real things that happened, but with fake stuff added for comedic effect:

The criminal case against Lindsay Lohan may be in jeopardy, as the jewelry store reportedly sold the security camera video of her stealing the necklace in question. This is great news for Lindsay, first because it may keep out of prison (again), but also because it's the closest thing she's had to a starring role in years.

In Oklahoma, state law enforcement is concerned that the current budget may not provide sufficient funds for cleaning up meth labs once they're busted by police. I've always wondered what the step was between "normal society" and "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome," and I think it may well be when we start leaving old meth labs untended out in the wilderness.

In Mexican news, Marisol Valles Garcia, the 20-year old woman who became police chief in one of the most violent towns in the country, has been fired. It seems she left the country after she received multiple death threats and remembered that she got the job after the previous chief was decapitated. A spokesman for the city said "while we appreciate her desire to not be decapitated, we can't have people leave like that and not fill out the proper vacation request forms."

In California, ferret owners are demanding that the state legalize ferret ownership. Something tells me that's not the only thing ferret owners want legalized. Maybe they should just concentrate on getting the state to allow licenses for medicinal ferrets.

In a recent interview, Canadian pop-singer Avril Lavigne said that she often forgets the lyrics to her songs. That's probably because they're so forgettable, Avril.

In Iran, the French Holocaust documentary Shoah will be aired on a Los Angeles satellite television station that broadcasts to Iran. The film, dubbed into Farsi for the first time, will also be broadcast on Iranian state television, but their version will have all sorts of zany sound effects added.

China recently denied following and harassing foreign journalists. A spokesman for Chinese authorities said, "oh, that's hilarious that you would think that! Oh, really, that's just too much," adding "who told you that? No, really, who told you that? This will go a lot easier if you just tell us."

Lastly, the flagship Barbie store in China is closing, because even plastic girls aren't popular in China. Happy Women's History Month!

That's it for today. Comments, reviews and other feedback are welcome and helpful, as always. If you like what you see, tell the world via email/Twitter/Facebook/Blogger/Buzz, and you will forever be known to your friends as cool, forward-thinking and hip to the cutting edge of topical humor blogs.


Sunday, March 6, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2011

Welcome to the new week, everyone! It's gonna be a blast! Oh, whatever. It's Monday. Get through it. These jokes might help.

This week, freshman Congressman Ben Quayle defended his campaign ad that called President Obama "the worst President" in American history. Rep. Quayle walked it back at a press briefing, saying that Obama was "one of the worst Presidents in history," and added, "also, please remember that I have almost no understanding of history or what makes for a good President." A flashbulb then distracted the Congressman who promptly forgot what he was talking about and why he was there.

In other news that ignores history, last week LAPD officers pulled over viral video-star Rodney King, who was savagely beaten by members of the LAPD in 1991. This time, King was ticketed for running a red light and driving without a license. When asked for a comment, he said "I guess it could have been worse."

Jersey Shore mascot Snooki recently said that filming for the show is "like prison." She's not too far off, actually. The key difference between Jersey Shore and prison is that you have to actually do something to get in prison, whereas with Jersey Shore blah blah blah those kids all suck. You get the point.

In Japan, Shigeo Tokuda, a 76-year old former travel agent, is now one of Japan's biggest porn stars, specializing in a popular new genre called "elder porn." Hey Japan, I think we've figured out why your population is declining.

In Internet news, former musician and Scared Straight-star Courtney Love is going to have to pay over $430,000 in damages for comments she made about a fashion designer on Twitter, proving that you can make money off of Twitter after all. Now if only we could get Courtney to spend some time on the comments section at Etsy...

In other celebrity payout news, Prince's former lawyers are suing him for $700,000 in delinquent legal fees. Elsewhere, Lindsay Lohan is totally pissed that she's going to prison for a stupid $2,500 necklace. In a related story, she's been invited to join the cast of Jersey Shore.

In real estate news, one of Vladimir Putin's former residences sold for $350million. That price may seem high, but it does include a shark tank, laser cannons and a submarine hangar. No word yet if he's also selling his secret volcano lair.

And finally, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has vowed to issue layoffs to 1,500 state employees "just as soon as the people from the personnel office quit protesting and go back to the office." What a tool.

That's it! We'll be back in 24 hours with new jokes, hope you come back, too. If you like this stuff, you can tell the world via the little buttons below! And as always, share your thoughts in the comments section.

Onward to Tuesday!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - March 6, 2011

Gas is nearing four dollars a gallon, and you know what that means. An increase in high-speed foot chases through L.A.

A guy in California plead guilty to attempted murder for driving thirty-five miles with his wife clinging to the hood of his minivan. He was driving 100 mph, which was the really shocking part. 100 mph in a minivan? It was the first time he was ever not embarrassed to be seen driving a minivan. The most important thing we can learn from this harrowing tale is that apparently a hood ornament wife is the poor man’s trophy wife.

We got the best unemployment news in several years, this week, which was Charlie Sheen joining Twitter and starting his own webshow.

Fashion designer John Galliano checked himself into rehab after making anti-semitic remarks. I guess this explains his show at fashion week where he just sent a bunch of white hoodies down the runway. Galliano’s first sign that he had a problem and needed to check himself into rehab was that he was slurring whenever he spoke... about Jews.

The NFL owners and the players’ union agreed to a week-long extension on negotiations on Friday. One of the many issues at stake for the players is just how far above the law they’ll be allowed to operate off the field. The owners want to be able to look the other way just for superstars, and the union wants to get more of the rookies and lower-tier players impunity for despicable behavior.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Fair Trade, Fair Skin

It's Friday! Hope you are ready for the weekend. Hey, do me a solid and tell your friends about this blog. And check back the rest of the week for posts by Seth, and Sunday for posts by Ernest. Let's get started:

A Wisconsin judge Thursday ordered protesters to be removed from the Capitol building—while Gov. Scott Walker said he would not compromise with the unions. Walker said Thursday night that he would never compromise over the union issue, and said he would begin laying off 1,500 state workers by the end of the week if the Democrats did not return. “I want to be unique,” he said. “I want to be an innovator here. Firing people is unique, right?"

By almost a two to one margin, a majority of Americans said they support unions’ right to collective bargaining, according to a New York Times/CBS News poll. A republican strategist said, "Shit, if this fails we will never be able to write the 21st-Century remake of 'The Jungle'".

Mike Huckabee, the former Arkansas governor, ripped Oscar-winning actress Natalie Portman for “glamorizing” single motherhood with an “out-of-wedlock” pregnancy. When reached for comment, Natalie Portman said, "Tell Mike to stop worrying, I'm just letting it cook a little longer before having an abortion."

The U.S. is moving warships toward Libya. President Obama is said to be pondering on whether to trade in his Risk Territory Cards for two Artillery Units. Hopefully Col. Gaddafi doesn't roll doubles.

Nelly Fertado tweeted Monday that she will donate the $1 million the Gaddafi clan gave her for a private concert in Italy. Furtado is one of several stars to perform for the Gaddafi family, including Beyonce, Mariah Carey, Usher, and 50 Cent. The other performers said they would donate the millions they made from Gaddafi, but they already spent it on diamonds mined from an armless African child.

ABC announced the new cast of Dancing With the Stars. On the Season 12 list: ‘90s television star Kirstie Alley, WWE champion Chris Jericho, former Disney Channel star Chelsea Kane, Karate Kid star Ralph Macchio, model Petra Nemcova, reality-TV show star Kendra Wilkinson and daytime talk host Wendy Williams. No word on why the word "stars" is still in the title.

British health authorities have confiscated breast-milk ice cream from the London ice-cream parlor Icecreamists, which was selling it as the flavor “Baby Gaga.” Viruses like hepatitis can be transmitted through breast milk. Which makes it the most accurate ice-cream ever invented. Consumers will have to go with the formula ice cream in the meantime.

A study by the Center for Disease Control said, nearly one-third of both teen boys and girls reported no sexual activity—a figure that’s risen since 2002, the last time the survey was conducted. So more kids aren't having sex? It's about time I set a trend.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 2, 2011

It's Wednesday! And what a wonderful Wednesday it's gonna be!

Actress and human-incubator Natalie Portman responded to the video of fashion designer John Galliano making anti-Semitic remarks by saying she was "disgusted." That's a harsh criticism coming from someone who was in all three Star Wars prequels.

At the Vanity Fair Oscar party, actress and slap-dispenser Joan Collins was rushed to the hospital after feeling faint. The culprit? Her dress was too tight. Happy Women's History Month, everybody!

In London, a Libyan diplomat recently expressed sorrow over recent events and was quoted as saying "I think we realize that he's crazy, but we have no alternative. We have no ways to get rid of him until now." He then clarified, "No, I'm talking about Colonel Gaddafi, not Charlie Sheen. Leave that poor man alone!"

In a related story, Nelly Furtado announced she will be giving away $1million she earned from a private performance for the Gaddafi family. The money will now be used to help pay the salaries of Two and a Half Men crew members.

In other Gadaffi news, Saif Gadaffi has been charged with plagiarizing parts of his dissertation, which puts him in danger of losing his Ph.D. The embattled scholar responded by saying, "that's just great! What else can go wrong? Oh, right."

In American politics, Newt Gingrich appears to be gearing up for a Presidential run in 2012. Pundits and analysts say he has a good chance, but he will have to overcome the fact that he's Newt Gingrich.

Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication yesterday. Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Britney Spears stared wistfully out a window and thought of days gone by.

Finally, the Department of the Interior issued a permit for deep water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time since the BP catastrophe last year. A government spokesman explained, "look, I know we've had trouble in the past, but they've changed! It'll be different this time. We're going to be so happy together..." A nearby oil executive added, "that's right, baby. This is a truly great moment for people with no understanding of history. Now let's go make some money!"

Alright, that's it. You like this business? I hope so. Go ahead and share us on your social networking site of choice, or just email us to all the people who keep sending you email forwards. Let us know what you like, what you hate and what you want see made fun of. And keep coming back for the jokes every day (although you can skip Saturday) and have a great Wednesday!