Friday, December 31, 2010

Friday Morning Monologue - December 31, 2010



Alright, let's get to it.

Mayor Bloomberg is taking strong criticism from New Yorkers over his poor handling of the recent blizzard. Offering support, former President George W. Bush suggested Bloomberg should tour the area in a jet and then convince New Yorkers that Iraq caused the blizzard, adding "I got to be President for 8 years! You'll never take that away from me! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 30, 2010



Alright, let's get to it.

A recent poll revealed that 20% of Americans want the government to regulate the Internet in the same way that the FCC regulates broadcast television. Coincidentally, that's the same percentage of Americans who want those damn kids to stay off their lawn.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 29, 2010




Alright, lets’ get to it.


In a diplomatic cable sent last year, Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai said he longs for the “golden age” of President Bush’s first few years in office. When asked to explain his comments, Karzai said “really, I just miss the music of N’Sync. Plus, we’ve got the bar set pretty low for ‘golden ages’ in a place like Afghanistan.”

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 28, 2010




Alright, lets’ get to it.


The East Coast is digging itself out from under massive snow drifts after this weekend’s blizzard. New Yorkers aren't complaining though, as the snow is blocking the smell of the homeless people. Also, now they look like snowmen. Sad, angry snowmen.


Monday, December 27, 2010

Monday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2010



Alright, lets’ get to it.


Due to a massive blizzard on the east coast, hundreds of flights have been cancelled, stranding thousands of passengers across the country. On the upside, the TSA is offering free pat-downs for bored, lonely travelers.


Janet Napolitano announced that in addition to the pat-downs, the full body scanners will remain in place permanently. She did admit that the scanners are unable to detect certain types of explosives, but they’re getting really good at finding nipple piercings.


Friday, December 24, 2010

Friday Morning with Spencer

This morning's jokes come to from our dear friend and funny man, Spencer Hicks! Check out his website, SpencerHicks.com.

Alright, let's get to it.


Did you hear that the Kardashian sisters are starting their own credit card? Now, you don't have to be divorced to owe money to a vapid skank. On the plus line, your credit line is unjustifiably and illogically high, just like their popularity.


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 23, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


Former Russian Spy Anna Chapman has found huge fame recently as a public speaker. Not really getting the whole “undercover” thing... Actually, she’s kind of like Russia’s Sarah Palin. She’s attractive, articulate, and didn’t finish out her last job. Also, like Palin, Chapman is able to see Russia from her house. Come to think of it, have they been photographed together...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 22, 2010



Alright, lets’ get to it.


Massachusetts is going to lose a representative in Congress, it was announced today. It’s not related to population changes, though, but is actually a punishment for the lame ending of the film “The Town.” When reached for comment, director and star Ben Affleck said “No, I feel no remorse. Why? Because I’m a monster!”


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 21, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


To help students cope with the stress of finals this winter, colleges are offering a wide range of recreational activities, such as laser tag, food deliveries and petting zoos. Or the students could just try binge-drinking and casual sex, like normal people. Nerds.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Monday Morning Monologue - December 20, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


The Senate voted this weekend to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, allowing homosexuals and lesbians to serve openly in the armed forces. Sen. McCain called it a “sad day” for America and blamed the Senate for its “total failure to protect the hallowed institution of bigotry in America.”

Friday, December 17, 2010

Friday Morning Monologue - December 17, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


Julian Assange is out on bail this week. So hide your kids, hide your wife. And hide your classified docuements, too.


Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao and Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh met this week to encourage greater friendship between the world’s two most populous countries. First order of business for the two nations: starting the longest game of “telephone” in recorded history.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 16, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


After the user accounts at Gawker were hacked recently, major websites like Amazon and Twitter are forcing users to change their passwords as a precaution against unauthorized access. Representatives from Friendster issued a statement that read simply, “meh, why bother?”


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 15, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


CNN is releasing a new iPad app, so now you can continue to ignore the channel in a whole new format.


In Italy, embattled Prime Minister Berlusconi survived a vote of no confidence recently, leading to speculation that Italian lawmakers are unaware of what the word “confidence” means. When reached for comment, Berlusconi said “I’m as shocked as you are. Now, where are the rest of my hookers? Hey, I can’t help it! I’m ridiculous!”

Monday, December 13, 2010

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 14, 2010

Alright, let's get to it.


An Oklahoma City man is accused of pretending to be severely autistic in order to trick babysitters into changing his diapers, because that’s what turns him on sexually. Incidentlly, he’s 4’ 9” tall and is currently on probation from a 2008 arson charge. David Lynch has already secured the screen rights.


In a related story, Craigslist was in no way involved in the fake-autistic-diaper-midget-firebug story. Just kidding! He totally found the babysitters on Craigslist. Stay classy.